Ugh, Millennials. Just the absolute worst, am I right? And thanks to that guy Bernie Sanders with the crazy notion that rich people are doing okay enough as it is, we have to deal more and more with their views on things, just because, pfffft, they’re like of legal voting age and living in the real world with the rest of us. But you know what? The Millennial generation, of which I am actually one, is responsible for the worst things ever to happen on this planet, and here’s just the tip of that particular iceberg.
So buckle up and get to your safe spaces, kids, this one’s gonna be bumpy!
#10. Millennials invented slavery and the Three-Fifths Compromise, ensuring racism would live forever in America’s shadow.
Actually, according to “history” and “reality” it turns out the Millennials weren’t born in the 18th century and had nothing to do with slavery. Turns out, that was the highly-touted founding fathers who allowed racism to continue in a country that was allegedly built on freedom and liberty. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll find plenty of other things to nail those pansies with in the next nine items!
#9. Millennials came up with Manifest Destiny and used it as an excuse for the genocide of the natives.
Oh, crud balls. That was 19th century American politicians and especially President Andrew Jackson! I really thought it was Millennials who came up with the idea of how to wipe out the natives like they wipe out data on their iPods, iPads and iWhatevers. But I guess all that stuff was done way before Millennials were born. We’ll get them on the next one though!
#8.Millennials started American Imperialism in the late 19th century and set us off on a century of war, mostly wars of choice.
Shit, sorry. This one is President William McKinley. Don’t worry, I’ll find something to pin on those whiny little buttholes, just wait.
#7. Millennials forced us to stay on the gold standard, refused to let us regulate Wall Street during the 1920’s, and caused the Great Depression
Shit! I was off on this one too. What the hell man? You mean to tell me Millennials didn’t invent the capitalist corruption of our government so many are fighting against and in point of fact this proves it’s long been a problem in this country? Son of a bitch!
#6. Millennials put Ronald Reagan in office,which turned our tax code on its ear and tilted to toward the One Percent, where it’s stayed ever since.
Oh, goddamn it, that was the Baby Boomers, their parents, and even some of their kids that did that. Hmm. Well, on we go to the next one, huh?
#5. Millennials ignored the AIDS epidemic for years, letting it remain stigmatized as a “gay” disease
Fuck! That was actually Ronald Goddamned Reagan and his wife. Hmm. Well.
#4. Millennials came up with the War on Drugs and mass incarceration
Sorry! This one’s way off. It turns out we were the ones that had the War on Drugs shoved down our throats. We were the ones that were told weed was just as bad as heroin. We were the ones who watched our fathers, uncles, and cousins get locked up for drugs while people on Wall Street raided pension funds and ran sham savings and loan operations. Hmm. Well…
#3. Millennials repealed Glass-Steagall and further deregulated the financial sector, leading to the 2007 global economic meltdown
Hold it! Our fact checkers are telling me that millennials aren’t actually responsible for this one either. Turns out it was the parents and grandparents, even the older siblings of Millennials who elected centrist Democrat Bill Clinton in 1992. And since it was Clinton who repealed Glass-Steagall and let the financial sector police themselves even more, we really can’t blame this one Millennials. So…on we go to the next one, I guess…
#2. Millennials fabricated a story of WMDs that got us into the Iraq War.
Oh, no, wait, It was just our generation that was asked to fight that bullshit war. My bad.
#1. Everything else I can’t really think of at this time, but that’s TOTALLY Millennials’ Fault
Okay, so maybe the simple fact is that Millennials aren’t really responsible for much of what this year’s — and the past several years’ — elections have been about. And sure, maybe the know more. Like, Dick Cheney, we all have to totally kowtow to his brilliance and knowledge because he is older than a lot of us, right? Right?
Oh wait. I am a Millennial. Well, there you have it. I always knew I was a terrible person, and now I know why.