10 Things That’ll Be Totally True When Trump Is POTUS

Let’s face facts everyone — while Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight is current giving Hillary Clinton a 56% chance of winning, that’s way, way closer than it should be. Objectively, Donald Trump is a turd in an expensive suit he probably had his sham “charity” buy for him. The fact that he’s somehow made this a much closer race than it has any right to be is a testament both to the incredible levels with which people find distaste for Mrs. Clinton, and to, frankly, the disturbing level of white nationalism that he has awoken within certain segments of the American people.

We should all probably start thinking about what Trump’s America is going to look like, so we’re not completely shocked to wake up the Wednesday morning after the election and see that the Democrats’ sure-fire, can’t lose strategy of not giving a hoot about it being a year for a populist candidate ended up being kinda unsure-fire and a can definitely lose strategy. God knows we’re all hoping that’s not the case, but just in case, I did some intense research/making stuff up, and here’s something I came up with.

Author’s Note: In order to come up with this list of Trump True-isms, I may or may not have ingested a handful of magic mushrooms. After I smoked about a gram and a half of really great Inidica, which was after I drank a fifth of Scotch, and also right after I shot smack. I totally got Donald Trump at that point.

10 Things That’ll Be Totally True When Trump Is POTUS

10. Hate Crimes Become YAY! Crimes

Only total puss-bound libtards believe in punishing people specifically for targeting any member of a minority group specifically. So once President Trump deports and/or rounds-up and pens-up in cages all the weaklings, we can get back to a time when you can beat up on someone your ignorance makes you afraid of…and be celebrated for it! That’s right, in Trump’s America, they’ll hold Straight Pride Parades, because you know, we breeders just aren’t represented enough in literally every other possible way. But when you live in The Upside Down, anything is possible!

9.  French Food Was “Freedom” Food During Iraq War, Mexican Food To Be Called “Rapist Cuisine”

Remember how those stupid-ass Frenches were all like, “Auh, Auh, Auh, wee don’ wan’ teu participate in your Irachhh War!”

And we were all, like, “Fuck you Frenches, you pussies! They have WMD in there that they’re going to use on everyone, and they are super-duper tight with Osama Bin Laden!”

And they were all, like, “Prove eet.”

And we were all, like, “Screw you then, Frenches! We’re not naming one of our favorite fried foods after you anymore! They’re officially Freedom Fries now. How does that feel, Frenches?”

And then they said, “Whatever.”

Remember all that? Well, once Trump is our orangutan overlord, you’ll get mock Mexican people by calling all their food “Rapist Cuisine.” That burrito? It’s a “rape wrap” now. That taco? It’s a “drug dealer taco.”

We’re still thinking of names, shut up.

8. You Can Go Ahead And Get That Third “K” On Your Arm Tattoo!

Yes, maybe for the last several decades as a country we’ve become more intolerant of intolerance. But isn’t that being unfair to racists? Sure, there’s not been a single law written to make saying or feeling or thinking racist shit illegal, but ask any good hearted racist or the conservatives who are in bed with them to win elections, and you’ll find out just how oppressed America’s racists are. So good thing in Trump’s America, you can be racist and proud, and we have the racist and bigoted tweets to prove it!

7. Voting Is For Pussies, So We’ll Use Our Guns To Settle Political Disputes

For far too long, we’ve settled big social and legal issues at the ballot box. Apparently some especially libtarded libtards got in their head that one bloody and violent revolution followed by an even bloodier civil war is all we need in that department. Bullshit! This ain’t America if we ain’t grabbin’ our AR-15’s, heading out into the streets, and killer-izing some jackbooted thugs at least once every decade or so, right? So welcome to Trump’s America, where the Second Amendment is your federal permission to overthrow a duly elected government just because you lose an election! God Bless Trump!

6. The First Amendment Will Only Apply To Non-Muslims

Let’s face it — the First Amendment is far too broad. I mean, sure, we know we can trust Christians no matter what, even though it’s undeniable fact that more Christians have murdered Americans than any other religious group. But you know who we really can’t trust with freedom of religion? Muslims? If you want to get technical about it, there are hate groups made up of just about every religion, but in Trump’s America, we get to single out one religion in particular…which is nothing like those German guys with the bent cross symbols and shit, so don’t say it, LIBTARDS!

5. The Second Amendment Too

And if we can’t trust Muslims with freedom of speech or expression, we damn sure can’t trust them with guns, right? Especially if we;’re going to do as the NRA commands recommends and loosen up our gun laws so that virtually everyone with a pulse can get their hands on a freedom cannon. In Trump’s America, we’ll just put an asterisk next the “shall not be infringed” part so it says “shall not be infringed unless you’re Muslim…or Mexican, just in case. You understand.”



4. Oh, And The Fifth

Hey, if we’re already taking away Muslims’ free speech and Second Amendment rights, we really don’t want them pleading the Fifth, right? We need to be able to force them to answer every single question we have, based only on the fact that they’re part of a specific religion. That sounds American as fuck to me. How about you?

3. You Know What? The Whole Constitution Won’t Apply To Muslims

Let’s just cut the bullshit. Maybe a separate but equal Constitution for Muslims should be written. That seems pretty American. Yeah, let’s just do that. So much easier than not being Islamaphobic, and playing right into the propaganda ISIS feeds its people.

2. Gay Marriage? Out. Incestuous Marriage? Legal AF

Two dudes getting married? Gross. Two girls getting married? Less gross, but still against God’s commandments. But in Trump’s America, there is nothing wrong with keeping it in your family, if you can’t keep it in your trousers. Let me repeat: In Donald Trump’s America it is totally and completely acceptable to want to fuck your family members. Any of them. Even your daughter. Especially your daughter.

1. We’ll All Be Welly And Truly Fucked

No matter what, however you choose to look at it, someone somewhere is getting fucked once Donald Trump is our president. Of course, if your skin is, say, not pale as all get out, chances are you’ll get fucked harder than most, but then again with Donald Trump in the White House, everyone globally will be fucked, won’t we?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

 

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About James Schlarmann 1346 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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