20 Documented Facts To Piss Off Your Conservative Uncle

We all have that Tea Bagger uncle we can’t have in our Facebook feeds for fear of throwing our phones, tablets, laptops or computers out the window every time he posts some ridiculously stupid and easily debunked meme. This post is to share with that uncle. Enjoy.

#20. Democratic Presidents Have Overseen More GDP Growth than Republicans

Oh boy is this one going to sting. But the math simply does not lie. We compared the economic growth overseen by all the post-war presidents in a piece called The Math Doesn’t Lie: Democratic Presidents Grow Economies,” and the results came in with a clear victory for Democrats in the White House.

#19. Obama Won More Than 50% Of the Popular Vote. Twice. Neither of the Bushes Did

They’ll likely just spin it like this, “more people voted for Obama both times because he said he would give them free stuff.” But the simple fact of the matter is that no president since Ronald Reagan — Patron Saint of All Things Wonderful — has garnered more than 50% of the popular vote both times he was elected. He’s definitely the first president to do so in the last 36 years of presidential elections. So, free stuff or not, Obama has proven himself capable of being just as popular as their highly-touted Gipper, though to be fair in 1984 Reagan got roughly 58% of the popular vote, so you can imagine the free stuff he was promising then!

#18. Nixon Was Going To Be Removed In a Very Bi-Partisan Fashion

Modern day Republicans really must hate the fact that Richard Nixon — a modern day Republican — is thus far the president to come closest since just after the Civil War to being removed from office. And you know how you can tell no president has even come close since, even when being attacked for a clandestine, and albeit ill-advised blowy? Because unlike Nixon, the impeachment of President Clinton was done on a partisan basis and nothing more; and the same holds true for the talk of impeachment of Obama. It’s all his opponents’ bluster and nothing more.

When presidents are about to get kicked out of office, it takes a bipartisan effort, and as the following passage from a news article in The Washington Post from July 28th, 1974 shows, Nixon’s own party — the intellectually honest ones — knew he was dirty and needed to be taken out with the trash:

“The vote was 27 to 11, with 6 of the committee’s 17 Republicans joining all 21 Democrats in voting to send the article to the House.”

#17. Red States Are the Takers, Blues Are the Makers

In Water Is Wet, the Sky is Blue and Yes Red States Really Do Take The Most,” we covered a simple mathematical truth that always sends conservatives into a tizzy. Red states take and blue states make. Consumer advocacy group “Wallet Hub” compared the Federal outlay and intake of all 50 states and found that irrefutably, blue states are the ones who contribute on average more to the Federal coffers than they take out, and red states do the exact opposite. Apparently it’s really easy for red state governors to keep taxes low in their state when they just simply depend on Federal taxpayers to subsidize any shortage they create.

#16. Gay Marriage Is Good For the Economy

There are literally dozens — if not hundreds — of rational, sane arguments you could make for legalizing same-sex marriage. They range from the lofty, erudite arguments that all are equal under the law to the very simple and effective truth that more people getting married means more money for businesses related to the wedding industry. One study conducted recently by The Williams Institute at UCLA found that legalizing gay marriage in Georgia alone would bring in over $50 million to the state’s economy.

Call us crazy, but aren’t conservatives the ones who want to do everything for the love of the dollar? So that means Georgia and every other red state will legalize marriage equality now, right? Right?

#15. Barack Obama and Bill Clinton Are Pro-Business Republicans

Clinton repealed Glass-Steagall and gave us NAFTA. Barack Obama’s White House has not successfully prosecuted any C-level executives at the big banks that we know are responsible for the predatory lending practices and idiotic derivative schemes that blew up the economy in 2007 and 2008. Oh, and Obama’s also been working on a mostly secret, highly pro-corporate international trade agreement that would essentially give multinational corporations the right to ignore laws they see fit, because you know, they’re big ol’ corporate monoliths. Oh, and the DOW has just absolutely exploded with growth since Obama took office. Oh, and then there’s the 53+ straight months of private sector job growth under Obama.

And of course both men have ordered plenty of bombs dropped and rockets fired, so you can’t really call them soft on military policy, can you? So tell us again why you think Obama and Clinton are socialists?

#14. Ronald Reagan Raised Taxes and Wanted to Ban Assault Rifles

Yes. That’s right. You read it correctly. Ronald Reagan raised taxes on multiple occasions. And yes, he was very much so in favor of the assault weapons ban, known as the “Brady Bill” and named after Jim Brady, the late Reagan press secretary who was permanently disabled by a bullet intended for the Gipper, that would later be signed into law by Bill Clinton. Reagan was so keen on the weapons ban that he even penned an op-ed that ran in The New York Times of all places entitled “Why I’m for the Brady Bill,” and in it he cites the “9,200 Americans are murdered by handguns, according to Department of Justice statistics” as reasoning for supporting the Brady Campaign in their gun control efforts.

#13. The Deficit Is At Its Lowest Point in Years

Back in February the Congressional Budget Office released findings that showed the deficit had hit its lowest point in 5 years. Why is that significant? Because it’s when Obama took office, for starters, and secondly because nothing irks a fiscal conservative more than deficit spending. So, of course once the CBO released their findings, all the Republicans admitted they’d been too harsh about Obama’s “rampant” spending.

Or the opposite of that happened.

#12. There Weren’t Any WMDs in Iraq

No.

Seriously.

There weren’t.

#11. Only Germany Recovered From the 2008 Meltdown Faster Than The U.S.

Conservatives love to rail against Obama as a typical liberal who has stymied economic recovery and growth. The problem with that assertion? It doesn’t actually fit with the facts of the case. Sure, the recovery could be better for the middle and lower classes. Sure, the recovery could be better in many ways, but the reality is that according to the Council of Economic Advisers, the only country that recovered more quickly from the Great Recession was Germany.

So that means all those conservatives who wanted a faster recovery will let us employ the European socialist elements of Germany’s economy that ours lacks. Right?



#10. Socialized Medicine Works

Fiscal conservatives would love you to believe that socialized medicine is the root of all evil, will kill our economy, and lead to “death panels” where faceless suits determine who is not worthy of life-saving medical treatment anymore. But the simple fact is that over 40 countries in the world currently have some form of socialized, universal healthcare. Many of them have had socialized medicine for decades. In fact, all of the top 10 World Health Organization’s ranked health care systems have universal health care of some form or another, and we rank dead last among 11 super-rich nations. The argument that socialized medicine doesn’t work simply does not stack up to well-documented, multinational facts.

#9. Bush II Took Way More Vacations Than Obama Has

Lately, an unbelievably stupid and easily-debunked talking point has cropped up among right-wing gaping maws. That talking point is that Obama is the Vacation President. In other words, Obama is always taking vacations and never focusing on his job. Yes, it’s bullshit for about eight different reasons, but the most important is that it’s not even remotely true when even compared to the last president, George W. Bush. By the same points in their presidencies, Bush had taken 407 partial or full days of vacation, and Obama has taken just 125. 

#8. Progressives Freed the Slaves, Passed the 19th Amendment and Killed Jim Crow

This one really gets under their skin. After all, it was Abraham Lincoln, the very first Republican President, who freed the slaves, right? Of course! But he was clearly a progressive by the time he signed the Emancipation Proclamation and helped get the 13th Amendment passed through the House. That’s because abolition was a progressive movement. As was Women’s Suffrage and the Civil Rights movement. No one on the right wants to admit it, understandably so since that means their historical counterparts were the ones trying to pump the brakes on extending the umbrella of liberty out even further, but the truth, the undeniable truth as it were, is that progress is what brought about the end of the slave trade, gave women a true voice in our country’s governance, and made it illegal to discriminate on the basis of race in this country.

But hey, at least conservatism has given us…umm…

#7. Republicans Grow the Government

Republicans hate big government, right? Then how come two of the biggest governmental agencies have been created by post-World War 2 Republican presidents? The Department of Homeland Security was the baby of the Bush/Cheney administration, and the oppression of the War on Drugs that comes from the Drug Enforcement Agency? You have Richard Millhouse Nixon to thank for that. Oh, and Nixon created he DEA via an executive order, because you know, only Democrats in the White House act unilaterally and stuff.

#6. George W. Bush Would Not Have Been President without the Supreme Court Stepping In

Yes, I know this is a 14-year-old story at this point. But the simple fact remains that one of the most closely-contested presidential elections of all time swung the Republicans’ way because the Supreme Court took an unprecedented step and inserted themselves into a statewide election’s results before all the votes were counted. In deciding to stay the final recount, the court essentially picked a winner of the State of Florida’s Electoral College votes, and managed to disenfranchise who knows how many Floridians by summarily deciding that the votes had been counted enough, despite there being ample evidence

#5. Richard Nixon Was Very Probably Guilty of Treason

No, really, Nixon pretty much committed treason during the 1968 election. To make a long story (which you can read HERE) short, during the pivotal ’68 campaign, the one that saw presumed front-runner Robert Kennedy assassinated in California, Nixon’s campaign started communicating with representatives from the South Vietnamese government, advising against any more negotiations with the Johnson administration. Instead, Nixon’s team said, they’d get the South Vietnamese a far more favorable deal. So basically Richard Nixon inserted himself into direct peace negotiations, undermined the current, sitting president, and then when it was all said and done the South Vietnamese got a lesson in trusting Tricky Dick when his promises of a better deal evaporated into the ether.



So not only was a he a crook, he was a traitorous crook to boot.

#4. Barack Obama is a Christian

I mean sure, he’s still the Kenyan-Muslim-Secret Commie-Socialist-Fascist dictator that they want him to be in order to keep their hatred of all things Obama intact, of course. But in Reality Town, where the rest of us reside, of course President Obama isn’t a member of the Islamic faith. Then again, even if he were, most of us on this side of things wouldn’t care one lick. It’s the people who think otherwise that would even have a problem with his being a Muslim in the first place. Still though, for reals now, Barack Obama is a card-carrying member of the Friends of Jebus, no matter what the conspiracy peddling fools tell you.

#3. Voter Fraud Is Statistical Mysticism

Republicans would love you to believe their obsession with voter ID laws is about the integrity of the ballots cast, and not about trying to suppress votes from people they assume — usually rightfully so — wouldn’t be voting for them. So we have to ask them now if they’re just being disingenuous liars, or if they also still believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. A recent comprehensive study was done, and over a billion votes were examined. Of those votes, just 31 came back as being suspected as involved in voter fraud. That percentage is so small, my tiny little brain can’t do the math to figure out all the zeroes to put in there. But I’m pretty sure the most important fact of the study is that voter fraud simply just does not exist on any kind of level that would necessitate burdensome laws to combat it with. Period.

#2. Carter Had a Better Economic Record than Dubya

Seriously. It’s true. Taking into account four very standard measurements of a presidential term’s economic success, Jimmy Carter — the man the right vilifies all day every day as the worst economic president of all time — totally has a better record than George W. Bush. Unemployment was slightly lower, jobs growth was higher, GDP growth was higher, and the debt-to-GDP ratio was lower under Carter than it was under the Junior Bush. But good luck getting a fiscal conservative to concede any of those points, since they’ve been instructed to demagogue Carter’s economic performance, despite what the math says, for so very long.

#1. Obamacare Is Their Baby

They hate it. They think it’s socialism run amok. They’d rather pay a fine than participate in it, and they love the fact that they elected people who have fake repealed it more than 50 times. Obamacare — the Affordable Care Act as it’s known elsewhere — is easily the most hated aspect of Obama’s two-terms. Well, perhaps other than this skin tone for some. But you have to ask yourself why they hate a law based on an idea from their own ranks? Obamacare was born out of the 1990’s debate over healthcare, and it was the Republican alternative, born from the Heritage Foundation’s loins, to a more traditional universal healthcare option proposed by then-President Bill Clinton.

A few years later, Republican Governor Mitt Romney signed the state version of the ACA into law in Massachusetts, and it was such a smashing success, he had the law painted into his official gubernatorial portrait. Any way you slice it, the idea for Obamacare — a private industry marketplace subsidized by taxpayer funds, and paid for mostly out of the tax revenue from all the new customers of the insurance providers — was straight out of Republican Town, USA.

So who’re the socialists now?

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About James Schlarmann 1445 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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