Dear 2016 Election Season: Hurry Up And Be Done. Also – Fuck You.

Dear 2016 Election Season,

Hurry up and be done, already. Also — fuck you.

Thanks to you, I just lost a friend. Why? Because I wrote what I thought was a reasoned explanation on why the DNC emails that WikiLeaks published concern the hell out of me, that’s why. Apparently, believing that Donald Trump is a piece of shit, but also believing that the kind of political corruption Hillary Clinton represents isn’t worthy of my vote either is tantamount to me handing the election to Donald. That doesn’t make sense to me on any level, but emotions and the stakes in this election are running so high, I honestly don’t blame the friend who “unfriended” me; he was livid at the idea of me helping Trump win.

The thing is though — I fucking wasn’t and haven’t been. I have said all along that I am privileged. I am privileged to live in a state that affords me the chance to actually vote my conscience. Even though this country is pretty binary when it comes to most political issues, we do have pockets where one can vote pretty much any way they want and the odds of it making a difference are slim to none. Red state voters who are Democrats know this, and the converse effect is present in Blue states.

But, you, 2016, are so goddamned important with your Supreme Court Justice appointments, the fate of Obamacare, LGBTQ equality gains, and our policies toward immigration and mitigating terrorism, that you’ve made us all trigger happy, angry assholes to one another. The fact — the undeniable fact — is that the DNC tilted the playing field for Hillary Clinton. I would think that we should allow for a spectrum of responses to that, within the “liberal” movement. But to some, the importance of a party victory is most important, and I’m not even mad at them for thinking that way.

It makes sense. We have a largely two party system, and when only one party is even interested in giving lip service to progressive causes, let alone championing them, we should defend that party as much as possible. But aren’t we also allowed, encouraged, bound by responsibility even, to be honest about less-than-fair practices? Shouldn’t the appearance of neutrality matter so that people aren’t given the feeling the DNC knows what’s best for us better than we do? Aren’t I allowed to say, “Yeah, that email sucks, but also fuck Donald Trump?” If so, why not?

Oh, I forgot, it’s because of 2016. We’ve all lost out fucking minds. We have two hugely unpopular candidates. In the last two elections, sure both sides didn’t like each other’s candidate, but among Democrats, Barack Obama was respected and trusted enough to unite enough of America’s left-wing to lead them to victory. Hillary is not evil. She’s not even a criminal, in my opinion. She is tainted though. And the WikiLeaks emails make that taint unavoidable…like when you watch WWE; you just can’t miss the can’t miss the taint.

I’m not saying there was a vast conspiracy. Just your typical, shitty political shit that probably should make us all wretch. Yet, we really can’t have a grownup, mature, reasoned reaction to the proof of corruption. Because of Donald Trump. Goddamn you 2016, you gave us Trump vs. Hillary. But I would really like to have that discussion about political party corruption. I would like to maybe talk about if we’re allowed to remind the parties they need us by not ignoring voters. What if more people had actually voted for Bernie, would they have started breaking out the religious/atheism talking points? Would they have sunk even lower?

But see, something tells me even though I just said that Hillary got more votes, I’ll get accused of saying she stole votes or committed election fraud. I didn’t. But Hillary Hawks, defending their tainted candidate, sure will accuse me of it.

That being said, Hillary’s taint won’t keep me from voting for her if it’s looking like that’s what’s needed to get it done. But let’s be honest — it probably won’t be needed. She’s not Satan’s spawn. She’s not a traitor, or a criminal. She just has incredibly bad judgment from time to time, including giving Debbie Wasserman-Schultz a job after Debbie was the center of the firestorm that could make Hillary’s life miserable for years and years to come. But I’d still vote for her if I had to; I just don’t have to.

Which infuriates some of my readers and personal friends, I’m sure. And in any other year I’d just get laughed at or ignored for the next few months. Instead, I’m being told that I want Donald Trump as my president. I’m being told I am spewing the same hate for Hillary that he does. Even though I don’t feel like I am, that’s what’s being said. Why? Because of you, 2016. You gave us a shit-tastic pairing that either leaves people feeling like they need a shower after voting, or that they’re okay with sending Muslims to special showers Trump will have installed after he’s elected. That sucks, 2016. That really, really sucks.

So please, just fucking hurry up okay? Get it over with. And while you’re at it, can you give me a look at what California’s polling numbers will look like in November, so I know if I have to compromise my principles to keep a fascist out of the White House? Election years usually give us at least one option that we can get behind without too much thought; but not this year, not you, 2016, you wanted to test our resolve as a movement, and as a country. You gave us a choice that even Sophie would think is a bit much.

Okay, so maybe I’m being hyperbolic again. After all, Hillary and Trump are not the same person. One is preferable to the other, but I don’t want to vote for either, and I’m finally in a position where I can do that and not fuck the country over…or least I thought. Until I started losing friends over it. Now? Now I know that next time I will keep my fool mouth shut over who I’m personally voting for and focus on fake news stories to mock the shitty candidates.

Finish and get it over with, 2016. I can’t do three more months of this happy horse shit.


That One Guy



About James Schlarmann 1480 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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