5 Countries President Donald Trump Will Invade First

Hey, none of us really want it to happen, but let’s face facts — this country can be really stupid collectively. So there is an outside chance we could follow-up our first black president with our first orange, piece of shit of president. That’s still historical, for sure, but it also brings up all kinds of interesting questions. Donald Trump is a Republican, and therefore he’s not met a military engagement he doesn’t like (unless you count the Vietnam War, hi-000000000000000000000 #DodgyDonald). But, just which countries are on Trump’s short list for needing a good dose of American Freedom and Democracy® carpet bombed all over their faces?

Well, here are some ideas.

#5. Mexico – And They’ll Pay For The Whole War

It’s been fairly clear from the beginning that Donald Trump has a hard-on for Mexico and Mexicans. You’d think for someone who genuinely feels most Mexicans he’d come into contact with would be rapists, murderers and drug dealers that he’d just leave the whole group of them alone. But well, this is Donald we’re talking about. So of course he’d want to take his rhetoric to the next level, and when they refuse to pay for the wall he wants to build, what other recourse would he have than to start raining liberty down on Mexico? The kicker of course will be that he’ll make Mexico paying for both sides of the war a condition of the United States accepting Mexico’s eventual and unavoidable surrender.


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#4. Islam

Sure, to most people “Islam” is a religion and not a country. Therefore, to most people invading Islam is a truly ridiculous idea. But this is Trump we’re talking about. And he knows only losers take things like “reality” at face value. He’ll bomb the shit outta Islam, and when he’s done there, he’ll make Agrabah pay too!


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#3. California

Look, again, to most people when they think “country” they don’t think “state,” but Donald Motherfucking Trump doesn’t play by your rules, maaaan. Trump will obviously need to send a signal to his Republican cohorts that he’s with them to the bone. No better way to do that than to attack a state in the union that’s super-duper liberal. He could choose New York, but he’s from there and doesn’t want to have to explain to everyone he sees on the street outside his apartment building why he ordered a carpet bombing of Poughkeepsie. So, California it is.


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#2. All of Middle Earth

Who else would the most vile creature in all the realms attack but Middle Earth. I’m not saying I know for a fact that Trump is Sauron, but I have some pretty good anecdotal evidence. For starters, Sauron had a giant eye on top of a massively tall building he called home, while Donald Trump is a human brown-eye who lives on top of a huge tower. So, pretty much the same person, huh? Yeah, I thought so too.


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#1. Fuck Donald Trump

Maybe it’s because he’s not smart enough to come up with five countries to bomb, maybe it’s because I’m too lazy to finish this list. But for whatever reason, one thing I know for certain is this: Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump for implying Mexicans are all horrible people. Fuck Donald Trump for stoking anti-Islamic sentiment like a German dictator with a shitty mustache. Fuck Donald Trump for fomenting violent outrage at his rallies and then acting angry, upset, and apoplectic about angry protesters at his rallies mirroring the outrage he’s trying to ride to the White House. Fuck Donald Trump for literally every single, solitary word that comes out of his lying, racist, Xenophobic, Islamaphobic and shite-filled mouth.

Fuck. Donald. Trump.


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About James Schlarmann 1479 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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