5 Fun Facts About Ted Cruz

By all accounts, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) is a nightmare of a human being. He’s so reviled his own party hates him for the most part. In a world where party politics are the only politics that seem to matter anymore, that speaks volumes about someone.

But you know what? Maybe people just don’t know all there is to know about Teddy, and we decided to put together 5 Fun Facts about him. Enjoy!

#5. If You Have a Vagina, He Doesn’t Care…For Your Opinions on Matters Related to Vaginae

Some Republicans hold sexist views that women shouldn’t get to hold control over their own bodies. Ted Cruz is one of those Republicans! How fun! Cruz is one of those super-happy GOP politicians who thinks “small government” means shrinking it down so that it fit in your pee hole. So hey, if you’re a female, maybe you should consider voting for Cruz so you don’t have to do all that tough “deciding” when it comes to when you’ll have a baby and with whom.

#4. If You Are Mentally Unstable, a Violent Criminal, or a Terrorist, He Wants You to Have a Gun…or Ten

Ted Cruz believes in the sanctity of the Second Amendment so much he voted against magazine capacity limits, despite the fact that the man who nearly killed former Rep. Gabby Giffords (D-AZ) was only stopped when he had to reload his gun. Cruz also was one of fifty senators who signed a letter to President Obama chastising the president for signing a U.N. arms trade treaty. He also stood with his fellow Republicans in blocking efforts to institute universal background checks and said he’d end Obama’s executive orders on guns that require background checks on private sales on the first day of his presidency. How fun of Cruz to believe that guns are like candy and should be handed out without regard to anything but the Constitution and God!

#3. If You’re Poor, He Thinks Your Health Should Be Optional

Clearly Ted Cruz is of the opinion that poor people shouldn’t have health insurance. Why? Because he’s literally pitched a fit over Obamacare — the law that essentially gives insurance companies some taxpayer money to stop denying poor and sick people health insurance coverage — so huge that he convinced House Republicans to shut down the entire federal government since President Obama raised objections to signing its repeal. It’s pretty sick, crazy, dope fun of him to say “Screw you” to his own religious beliefs and shut the poor out of doctors’ offices, isn’t it?

#2.¬†If You Think¬†Science is Cool, He Thinks You’re a Libtarded Libtard

Okay, so truthfully we couldn’t find any quotes from Teddy where he used the phrase “libtard,” but there is no denying that Cruz is pretty anti-science. Which is really fun and exciting because he’s the current Senate chairman of their committee on space exploration science. Isn’t it just great, fun, awesome, and totes dope rad that we have a guy pulling NASA’s purse strings who actually denies climate change is real because there is snow on the ground during winter months still?

#1. If You’re a Christian, He Wants You to Help Him Dominate the World, If You’re Not, Fuck You!

Nothing says “fun” like living in a country with First Amendment protections against state-enforced religious beliefs and trying to use your religious beliefs to subjugate and discriminate against people, and that is exactly what Ted Cruz’s central belief system is based on. Cruz is this fun thing called a “Dominionist,” which in short means he thinks that the Christian religion was put here by God itself to control the planet. Yes, the entire planet. Wouldn’t this then mean that as president he’d be less inclined to protect non-Christians than Christians? Seems so to us, and we think that makes Ted Cruz as cool as Fonzi…if Fonzi was a religious sycophant douche bag.

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About James Schlarmann 1144 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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