Goodbye, Bill ‘OReilly!
Sexual predator and Fox News host Bill O’Reilly is, as of now, out of a job. Sad, I know. But while we all dry our big, fat, crocodile tears over his firing, let’s start brainstorming some ideas to help ol’ Bill out, shall we? After all, we’re libtards. We’re supposed to be all touchy-feely and shit. So let’s kumbaya ourselves up a few suggestions for where Mr. O’Reilly can take his No Spin Zone and shove it next, shall we?
5 Places Bill O’Reilly Can Work Next
Is this an obvious joke? Yeah, probably. But where else is someone with such an obvious penchant for the lady flesh going to work, if not Hooters. Bill can ogle the ladies while he cooks wings, or seats guests. Maybe he can come and give a pithy comment or Talking Points segment to patrons as they eat their meals. Of course, Hooters, like every other company in the 21st century, has strict policies against sexual harassment as well, so his career there would likely be just as short-lived as anywhere else. So onto the next one…
It’s like Hooters in that there would be a ton of females around for Bill to work with. But it’s got the added benefit of being a Christian organization. Nothing gives cover to lewd and lascivious behavior like a banner of traditional values. That’s why Bill was able to do it at Fox News for so long; people just assumed it’d be a Mike Pence-ian culture of men and women only interacting in brightly lit rooms in groups of 50 or more. Again, though, the YWCA frowns upon fraternization and sexually predatory behavior, so Bill O will need to mosey on somewhere else, I reckon.
Now, hear me out. I know that as a Fox News host for over two decades, O’Reilly has positioned himself to be against public broadcasting and defended Republican attempts to remove its federal funding. But now that he needs work, he should be desperate enough, and I hear that Sesame Street is looking for a new Muppet. It needs to be big, tall, and have very sticky hands it just can’t quite keep to itself. He could live in the trashcan with Oscar to save on rent, and after 20-plus years at Fox, the stench would certainly feel like home to Bill.
#4. Bill Cosby’s Tour Manager
They’re both named “Bill.” They both have an inability to take “No,” and “No, seriously, no, leave me the fuck alone you creepy shit head” for an answer. Sure, Bill O’Reilly’s not known for being funny, not on purpose anyway, but he does have a lot of experience with doing this LIVE! So live comedy should be doable for him. All he has to do is keep Cosby on the road and stocked up on barbiturates. And hell, if Cosby winds up behind bars for his sexual assaults, then that would make keeping his touring schedule straight much, much easier. Talk about a win-win.
#5. The Trump Administration
Look, all the best pussy grabbers are already in the White House. This would be the most logical place for Bill to go. He’s already got tremendous practice kissing Trump’s ass and sucking his dick in interviews, and both of those are absolutely prerequisites for working for Don the Con. And, unlike most of the employers on this list, there’s clearly no rule barring sexual predators from working there, as the most powerful sexual predator in the free world already sits in the big boy chair. Look for Bill O to join Team Trump any day now.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.