5 Reasons Bernie Sanders Could Never Be Elected

This country will never elect Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) because it’ll never elect someone who openly associates with the word “socialist” in any way, shape or form. Americans simply do not do well with change. They just do not ever change, ever, ever, ever. Here are five more examples of why Bernie Sanders could never be elected president.

#5. We’ve Never Elected a Democratic Socialist (Less Than 4 Times) Before!

Oh, okay, sure, if you want to be technical about it, we’ve elected a Democratic Socialist before. Hell, we’ve done it more than once. We’ve done it more than twice. We’ve done it more than three times. In a row. But if you think that just because what FDR laid out in his vision for the country closely matches what Sanders’ vision is that means anything. It’s like, totally different with Sanders because he could only ever serve two terms. That surely will keep people from voting him.

#4. We Never Did Make It To the Moon!

Everyone knows that the challenge that President John F. Kennedy gave the nation when he was inaugurated, to put a man on the moon, was an utter failure. It was such a disastrous project that we got like, no useful technology out of it, and everyone knows that the moon landing was a total fake hoax. The moral of this story, of course, is that we can never do what seems impossible and we should probably just shut up and do whatever the corporate headquarters tells us to.

#3. Women Still Can’t Vote!

When this country was founded over 239 years ago, if you had a vagina you were disqualified from voting. Clean, simple, effective. And of course today, as we all know women do not vote, and cannot vote. See? You can’t do anything in this country. You can’t change anything, and it’s probably best to close your eyes and let the machine take you where you need to go, and forget all about where you want to go.

#2. LGBT People Still Don’t Have the Constitutional Right to Wed

Don’t let the so-called “news” or “facts” sway you: Gays still can’t get married here in America despite decades of struggle and a historic Supreme Court decision last year. Remember — nothing can or will ever change in this country. To ask for change is to be un-American and hateful of America. That’s bad, in case you were wondering, to be those things. So don’t. Instead, just remember the lesson from the fight for marriage equality — it doesn’t work, even when it totally works.

#1. We Never Abolished Slavery, and No African American Will Ever Be President

Oh shoot! I can’t finish this piece because I forgot I have to drive down to slave auction and pick up another couple slaves. Because you know, I can buy them since slavery — the most difficult and thorny issue the founders couldn’t even bring themselves to effectively take care of —  never was abolished because it was so hard and seemed so impossible at the time. And then once I get done at the slave auction, I have to go paint the president’s portrait, and I need to buy more peach colored paint since I’ll never need anything darker than that as no black man will ever be president in this country! That’s just crazy talk!

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About James Schlarmann 1207 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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