3 Reasons Conservatives Care Where LGBTQ Kids Piss and Shit

In North Carolina, Republicans are waging a new battle against LGBTQ equality. Having lost the fight to keep marriage for only straight couples last year, now it seems Republicans in North Carolina and elsewhere in the country are hell bent on moving the fight to a new battlefield — the bathroom.

Yes, that’s right, North Carolina became the latest conservative state to officially give a shit where your kids shit. HB2 bars local municipalities from passing anti-discrimination ordinances that would allow, for instance, a transgender child to use the restroom designed for the gender they identify as. South Carolina Republicans were working on a similar bill this year, and in Washington another similar anti-LGBT ordinance was drafted by the GOP in that state.

Many might think this is an obvious government overreach the likes of which conservatives are supposed to loathe, and many others will simply think there’s no reason for conservatives to care where kids piss and shit, but they couldn’t be more wronger* if they tried. Here are three reasons conservatives have to care about where kids piss and shit.

*actual Republican term

#3. They literally don’t have anything better to do.

I mean, sure, our economy while recovered from the Great Recession, is still lacking in quality jobs. And yeah, if you want to get technical the roads, bridges, and tunnels that our country depends on are in desperate need of upgrade and repair. But all those things can take a backseat to sticking our noses into the bathroom habits of our citizens, can’t it? Otherwise, what did James Madison write the Constitution for, if not to create a system of government whereby we can concern ourselves more with a private act of biological waste voiding than we do with whether our children are graduating from high school and college ready to help us run our society we’ve built and maintained?

#2. They want a small government…so it can fit in our pee hole

The term “small government” has historically meant a governmental body that is generally unconcerned with they day to day aspects of its citizens’ lives. The idea is that the government doesn’t really know what’s best for you. Except, I guess for conservatives, the government can know what the best place for you to empty your bowels is. Because you know, most people when they’re going into a bathroom don’t do so to urinate or defecate, they do it to scam on people they want to fuck, right? Maybe this new found obsession came about from all the Republican politicians getting caught in bathroom shenanigans, but I can assure any conservatives reading that roughly 99% of us go into a bathroom to get our shit done (literally) and leave. Oh, and statistics show time and again there is no risk to allowing people to self-select the bathroom they feel comfortable in.

#1. When all your ideas are shit, it’s no surprise when your ideas start becoming ABOUT shit

Let’s put all the cards on the table shall we? The Republican/conservative solution to climate change is to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist. The Republican/conservative solution to the Daesh is to cut off Muslim immigration and/or illegally surveil “Muslim neighborhoods.” They don’t even have an alternative to Obamacare that isn’t just going back to the system where poor people and those with preexisting conditions are just shit out of luck. So pretty much all their ideas and solutions are shit, and therefore none of us should be in the least bit surprised when they decide to get all hot and bothered about where kids are pooping and peeing.

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About James Schlarmann 1507 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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