4 Reasons We Will All Be Better Off Living in Trump-Merica™

Why is everyone so afraid of Donald Trump getting elected? What, you’re afraid that a dude who seems to not have any idea how the Bill of Rights applies to people of all races, genders, and sexual orientations would mean bad things for a country that isn’t just one race, one gender, or one sexual orientation? Pfffffft. Kick back and check out these four reasons why we have nothing to worry about.

#4. We’re All White, Anglo-Saxon Christians With “Traditional” Values

I don’t know why everyone is so panicked about Trump. I mean, aren’t we all the same anyway? White, older, Anglo-Saxon Christians? Are we not all terrified of what happens when we let adults marry other adults without judgment? Can you imagine living in America where we don’t pretend that Islamic people are any  more dangerous just because they are Muslims than we pretend radical Christians are dangerous when they shoot up Planned Parenthood facilities or defraud the government out of millions of dollars of welfare assistance? Horrible thought, isn’t it? Well, thank the One, True American God™ that we’re all white, Judeo-Christians, huh?

#3. Racists and Bigots Have Gotten the Short Shrift for Way Too Long!

The Donald has picked up endorsements from David Duke, and a few other proudly white nationalist groups. Some might say that is “scary” or “un-American,” but that’s because those people clearly don’t get what the Declaration of Independence and Constitution were all about. When Jefferson writes in the Declaration that “all men are created equal,” he means that “all mean are created equal and have a right to judge others they feel are less equal than they are.” Haven’t we punished bigots and racists in this country enough? We’ve already told them they can’t discriminate in their business if they’re open to the public, and we’ve set up affirmative action programs so that well-qualified members of a minority group aren’t passed up for jobs and schooling because of their minority status. Does anyone ask the racists and bigots how it makes them feel?


A Trump presidency would finally give some much needed piece of mind to the people who need it most — racists and closed-minded religious bigots.

#2. We’ll Finally Be At War With Mexico Again!

It’s been over 160 damn years since we fought in a war against our southern neighbors. Of course liberal Democrat presidents would be too cowardly to fight a useless war with Mexico, but Trump won’t be! Trump will not only build a wall, he’ll make Mexico pay for it before he blows it up and starts World War III with them. How much more brilliant can you get? The answer is “none more brilliant,” in case you were wondering.

#1. It Will Look an Awful Lot Like Canada

You want to know why living in Trump-Merica™ won’t suck so badly? Because a whole shit load of us may not even live here anymore. Of course, Americans have a habit of threatening to leave the country if someone is elected president — Democrats wanted to bolt when Dubya was in office and Republicans have threatened to leave as long as the Kenyan Communist Sharia Lover was in office — but something tells me the the sheer level of cray that Donald represents may actually result in a smallish number of people truly leaving; God knows my family and I will be looking into the Canadian political refugee program. So hey, elect whoever you want, dummies, we’ll all be toasting you with maple syrup and poutine.

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About James Schlarmann 1507 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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