By the looks of it, the Republican Party is going to either nominate Donald J. Trump (R-Berlin) or Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) as its presidential candidate for this year, and everyone is freaking out over either one becoming our president. But we did some intense research/Googling/making shit up off the top of our heads, and here are five reasons we think Ted Cruz would totally be a better president than Donald Trump.
#5. Ted Cruz would make sure rape is treated like the gift from God it is
Believe it or not, there are Americans who think that the government shouldn’t tell rape victims they have to have their rapist’s babies. Can you believe that? It’s like these people think that a woman being raped is the most violent intrusion of her personal sense of safety and security and it’s only re-victimizing her to force a pregnancy to its conclusion. You’d think these people would understand that rape can be a wonderful thing, as long as it produces a baby, of course. A sweet, cherubic rape baby is the perfect reminder to all women that yes, they had some man force his penis inside of her, but nine months later they got a beautiful, bouncing, bubbly reminder…of being raped.
President Cruz will protect every rape baby’s right to serve as a lifelong reminder of the time they were raped into existence, because he doesn’t believe in abortion exemptions, ever.
#4. Ted Cruz would ensure this becomes a Christian Nation, if it isn’t really one now
Cruz is a Christian Dominionist. To a lot of people, that just sounds like he wants to order pizza for all the Christian churches to enjoy. But in reality what it means is that Ted Cruz thinks Christians were put on this earth to hold dominion over it. In other words, the First Amendment’s ironclad promise of keeping church and state separated isn’t even a suggestion to Ted; it’s just an outright heretical inconvenience. But don’t worry, he’ll still protect the First Amendment…for white, heterosexual, conservative Christians.
#3. Ted Cruz would build a southern border wall, but make the middle class pay for it
It’s no big secret one of Donald Trump’s signature campaign promises is to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico and to make the Mexican government pay for it. Ted Cruz thinks is idea is absolute crazy talk…because like any good Republican, he knows soaking the middle class to pay for something is the best, only, and most patriotic way to fund massively stupid things that we don’t need. That’s why Cruz isn’t suggesting Mexico pay for it, he’s just telling everyone he’ll build it and he’ll get to the details of how to pay for it, like, later and stuff. Rumor has it he’ll use the same credit card we paid for the Iraq War with.
#2. Ted Cruz would make sure healthcare is given based only on the ability to pay, just as Jesus would
Everyone who’s ever read the Bible — so you know, every good, clean, ammo-hoarding American patriot — knows the stories of Jesus Christ of Nazareth healing the sick. If you’ve read those stories as many times as we have, you know that Jesus would only heal those who carried health insurance from the corporation he worked with exclusively, and only to those who could afford his rather high copays. Everyone remembers Jesus saying, “The least of these needs medicines, but only give them to you if those broke bastards can pay.” President Ted Cruz would move us to that model, the way Christ would have surely loved it — poor peoples’ corpses piled up in the street in what will be called “a liberty and freedom grave.”
#1. Ted Cruz will bring dignity back to eating your boogers on national TV
We all learned in 8th grade social studies class that President Richard Nixon was the first man to eat a booger on national television. But not until Teddy Cruz slurped that white thing back into his mouth during a Republican debate had Americans watched a hero do such a heroic thing live on TV. Nothing says “conscientious leadership,” “moral integrity,” and “presidential” like slurping a booger back into your mouth instead of simply wiping it away. If having the guts to eat your nose guts live on TV is something you look for in a president, then Teddy Cruz is your booger eatin’ man!