After much deliberation and soul searching, I have come to a momentous decision. I have decided after looking at all the candidates and after making some decisions as to what I believe as part of the Amurikan Citizenary, I am bound by honor to vote for Donald Trump. Please understand I have very logical reasons for this decision, and I’ll share all five of my rock solid reasons right now.
5 Reasons I’m Voting For Donald Trump In November
#5. I Believe Being Born In America Makes Me Better Than Anyone Who Wasn’t
Sure, by now most adults understand that the circumstances of your birth are completely out of your control. And yes, by now we’ve all learned that on the DNA level there is literally nothing that separates us by our place of birth. But as a Trump supporter, I firmly believe, deep down in my white sheet covered bones that simply being randomly shot out of an American vagina makes us better than if we were shot out of a European or, *gulp,* Latino or Hispanic vagina, or “La Vagina,” as they say in their hedonistic, rapist and murderer language! So count me in for meaningless platitudes and hyperbolic, misplaced nationalism!
#4. I Believe I Can Diagnose Serious Medical Conditions From A YouTube Video
I’d like to know just what doctors think gives them the high and mighty privilege to diagnose medical issues…other than almost a decade specifically studying medicine at a university. Because as far as I know, and as far as all my other fellow Trumpy Wumpies go, we can tell by looking at grainy YouTube videos what ailments someone might or might not be suffering from. That’s why I can tell by looking at a video of Hillary Clinton fainting from pneumonia, dehydration, and exhaustion according to so-called “doctors,” that what I’m really looking at is a woman with advanced Parkinson’s Disease, AIDS, toe cancer, halitosis, and mad cow’s disease. And I’m voting for Trump so that I can help put the most healthy, virile man in the White House since William Howard Taft!
#3. I Believe In Freedom of Religion…Except For Muslims
When you read the First Amendment, you get the sense that the founders intended to create a society where no one religion was so dominant as to take over. By making it against the rules for Congress to write rules that single out either in a good or a bad way one religion over the other, you’d think that they wanted to make this country as secular and free from theocracy as possible. And you’d be half-right if you thought that. Because clearly the founders were most worried about radical Islamic terrorism and simply forgot to put the “*except for Muslims” into the First Amendment. Since I believe that Donald Trump will make it a top priority to make non-white people remember what made America great (racism), I’m all aboard the Trump train! CHOO CHOO!
#2. I Believe In Freedom Of Expression…Except For Black NFL Quarterbacks
Just like genius/Nazi Barbie doll Tomi Lahren, I respect the First Amendment and the right it gives all Americans to peacefully protest any issue they’d like…as long as the protester is white and the issue they are protesting doesn’t make them show disrespect to a piece of cloth. In other words, freedom of speech and expression applies to everyone, except black NFL quarterbacks. And if you think what I’m saying is un-American, then you don’t know the men who wrote the Constitution. They also didn’t think the First Amendment should apply to black people. In fact, they were so dedicated to this idea, none of the amendments applied to anyone but white men until the Civil War was fought…over everything EXCEPT SLAVERY! So really, it’s almost the most American thing ever to segregate people into groups of who gets to have which basic human freedoms.
#1. I Believe Trump Will “Make America Great Again” Even Though It Means Nothing, Literally Nothing
Finding myself as a True Trump Believer now, I can see that America is both the greatest country in the world, and also, due solely to libtarded liberals doing libtarded things, the worst country in the world right now. So I want a leader who will feed me empty rhetoric and meaningless bumper sticker slogans. Because nothing will get the tough job of getting our economy setup for the coming years like moving toward a goal like making a country great again, even though we can’t decide if it’s ever been that great, and exactly for whom. God bless our orange overlord, he will deliver us to a new day on the strength of platitudes and nothing else!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.