5 Reasons You’re the Worst Person Ever for Supporting Bernie Sanders

Oh, look at you! Little Super-Duper Bernie Sanders Supporter! You probably think you’ve got it all figured out. But guess what? You’re the worst person ever for supporting Bernie Sanders! Don’t believe me? Check out these rock-solid reasons why (note the use of exclamation points, the intellectual equivalent of “Checkmate”)!

#5. You Want to Rob Rich People and Corporations of Their God Given Right to Own Our Government!

Oh sure, if you want to get technical about it, the amount of money funneled into political campaigns is obscene and there’s no way it doesn’t influence policy. Why else would they give money to politicians’ campaigns if not to get some kind of favorable treatment at some point? But what kind of hippie-socialist-scumbag things that rich people and giant corporations don’t have a right, nay, a duty to make our votes worthless in the face of their cash?

Voting for Bernie is voting for a guy who has refused to play the dark money game, and is that really the kind of America you want, where money really cannot buy you everything you want?!

#4. You Want Poor People to Get Healthcare Regardless of What’s In Their Bank Account!

A lot of people call this a “Christian” nation, and you’d think those people would be in favor of what the “Christ” in “Christian” did — healing the sick no matter how much money they have. But you’d be wrong, Commie! Because good, clean, ammo-hoarding, Christ-loving, red-white-and-blue patriots know that Christ wanted people to be less important than profits. He wanted sick people to die because they didn’t have money, because that’s what just makes so much more sense than, you know, joining together and paying a few more cents on our dollars to help the least among us.

Stop pretending as if Jesus Christ would have cared about the least among us…just because he literally said that in the Bible and shit.

#3. You Want a Society Full of Well-Rounded, Highly-Educated People!

Umm, are you fucking crazy? Can you imagine what would happen if we just started letting poor people have access to higher education without forcing them into lifelong debt to pay it back? There’d be more money in the local economy! There’d be a bunch of smart people working on complicated solutions to complicated problems! And what possible reason would rich people have for wanting a bunch of smart people around, other than the fact that rich people depend on the “little” people to literally do everything for them? No, clearly when Abraham Lincoln told the country during the Gettysberg Address that our “forefathers brought forth a nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all rich people are created equal, and all poor people stay dumb,” this is what he was talking about.

Don’t make a liar out of Honest Abe!

#2. You Want America to Be Like Other Countries Just Because They Have “Better” and “More Affordable” Ways to Do Things!

Only some kind of smarty-pants liberal member of the intelligentsia would dare to suggest that just because in 2014 the World Health Organization placed the U.S. dead last among nine other highly-advanced countries in terms of healthcare delivery that means we have any room for improvement in healthcare delivery! Only some hippie-dippy asshole would presume that just because other First World countries have had universal health care for decades without crippling their economy that we could do it too! Oh, and before we forget, only un-American, cuck liberals see that so many other countries’ educational systems are better than ours as meaning anything other than we rule harder because we don’t have to be smart to be awesome!

#1. You Hear the Word “Socialism” and Don’t Immediately Vomit and/or Kill a Liberal

Idiots! Socialism is terrible! It brings down countries no matter how much or little of it you bring into your hybridized economy! Sure, some “college educated” liberal might say that Social Security is a socialist program and has never missed a payment, nor brought the economy to its knees like, say, packaging bad debt into derivatives and then betting against consumers’ ability to pay off the loans has, but shut up Commie!

Real American Patriots™ know that just saying the word “socialism” will bring back Satan riding on a black steed to kill us all, and so when they hear the word uttered, they immediately fly into a vomit-covered rage and kill the first liberal they find. You must think just because other countries (and ours) already employ socialist policies and programs that socialism is nothing to fear, but that’s why you’re a libtard and the Worst Person Ever.

Just in case you need further help:

5 Ways Bernie Sanders’ Agenda Will RUIN America

5 Reasons You Should Not Vote for Bernie Sanders

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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