5 Republican Facts About Merrick Garland

With President Obama nominating Merrick Garland to fill the bigoted emptiness Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s death created, he has clearly unleashed a monster. Why? Because he’s a liberal Democrat that’s why! And according to Republican Facts, that makes him automatically an un-American, evil person. What’s a Republican Fact, you ask?

A Republican Fact is a fact that feels factual to Republicans, but to others it feels, well, the opposite of factual. Whatever that is. Go ask a word nerd. For now, just read these Republican facts about the uber-super-duper-hardcore liberal (at least according to Republican Facts) Justice Merrick Garland.

#5. He was appointed by a liberal so he believes abortions should be legal up to and beyond birth

Republicans understand that the most important reason they must control the Supreme Court is women’s vaginae. Specifically, controlling what goes into and out of them, and when. Also, making sure that rape is kept as the nuanced, sometimes “totally rad” thing that Republican Facts dictate it can be. So when a libtarded liberal nominates a justice the Supreme Court, we know that justice will not only uphold Roe vs. Wade, they will expand on it and make it so that a woman can abort her baby up to six years after its birth.

#4. He was appointed by a liberal so he will be soft on crime, no matter what his record says

Maybe he helped clean up D.C. during the height of its late-80’s crime wave. Maybe he helped prosecute Timothy McVeigh. But he’s being nominated by a liberal Democrat! And Democrats are soft on crime! Republicans are never soft on crime…unless it’s white collar. But that’s not really crime, because it’s only the plebs who are hurt by it. If that’t not a victimless crime, then we don’t know what is!

#3.He was appointed by a liberal so he will help President Obama declare capitalism illegal

Republican Facts dictate that President Barack Obama is a Kenyan-Communist-Sharia loving-Socialist dictator who hates capitalism. Even if the free market capitalist economy he has overseen for the last near-decade is on much stronger footing than when he started, that’s in spite of him, and because Republicans were making sure he did nothing, obviously. Garland, being appointed by a hardcore, super-duper anti-freedom, liberal Democrat means that he will be Obama’s willing stooge in declaring our beloved capitalism unconstitutional, ushering in an era of decline and gay marriages. And speaking of which…

#2. He was appointed by a liberal so he will make it constitutional to force straight people into gay marriages if they don’t pay their taxes

According to the Big Book of Republican Facts™, the only thing more important to Obama than bringing down our economy, is bringing down our republic. The only way to do that is to make everyone gay married. Then, just like the completely historically accurate Holy Bible accounting of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, God will have no choice but to smite us all and wipe the species off the face of the Earth. Of course, some libtarded liberals have asked why he hasn’t wiped us off the map yet since gay marriages have been legal in this country for well over a decade in some states, but we do to them what we do to non Republican Facts…we ignore them.

#1. He was appointed by a liberal he will shred the Constitution on day one

When we look back over the annals (and anals) of Republican Facts, we find one thing is true: Liberals hate the Constitution. Oh sure, Republicans might be trying to block Obama’s SCOTUS pick by putting up some transparently political and bullshit excuse about letting the next president pick since we’re in an election year. But just because they’re ignoring the Constitution, does that mean Republicans only respect it when they want to hold minority groups under their thumb a bit longer, or when they want to tilt the tax code toward the rich even more. SHUT UP LIBTARD, STOP MAKING US THING HARD THOUGHTS!

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About James Schlarmann 1465 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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