5 Survival Skills You Will Need in Donald Trump’s America

No one with both of halves of their brain intact wants Donald Trump to be our next president. But let’s get real, America. If we can elect George W. Bush twice, we can elect Donald Trump once. So while none of us want it to happen, it’s probably time for us to start thinking about what life in President Donald Trump’s America will be like. Luckily for all of you, we did that here at Modern Liberals and we came up with five skills we think every citizen of TrumpMerica® will need to have.

#5. Un-learn any Spanish you might know

If you live in L.A., you better start referring to it as Angel City. If your friends want to drive to Del Taco, you better tell them to only refer to it as “Of the Taco” once you’re out in the open where Trump Monitors can hear everything you say after they’re installed under  executive order everywhere, literally everywhere. You see, in TrumpMerica®, the last thing you want to be is suspected of being an undocumented, Spanish-speaking immigrant. Hell, you probably don’t want to be a documented Spanish-speaking immigrant in TrumpMerica® either, so just get used to purging your brain of any and all knowledge of Spanish as you possibly can.

#4. Smelling “a gay” or “trans” a mile away

How else can you help turn in the ones who don’t wear their special LGBT patches? Looking at states like Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, and North Carolina — all of which could very likely go for Trump — one thing is certain, and that’s the fact that conservatives are hopping mad about having to treat LGBT+ people with dignity and humanity. So learning how to spot and turn them in will help throw Trump’s people off your scent, in case you’re up to anything that fine, upstanding, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots know better than to be up to. Forget gaydar, you need to have the ability to literally sniff an LGBT out like a hound dog.

#3. Sewing tiny gloves that have an adult’s fashion sense but would fit a small child

In TrumpMerica®, one might think that social welfare programs would all be gutted, and one would probably be correct to assume that. However, creative programs like “Sew Our Emperor-President New Gloves” could become a thing too. Learning how to sew tiny, tiny gloves that are also stylish, sleek and could be described by a certain bewigged, bombastic bastard as “the very best tiny, tiny gloves” might just be a skill you should learn or brush up on. Also, learning to sew tiny jock straps out of thimbles and rubber bands would be helpful for Emperor-President Trump, and let’s just leave it there, shall we?!

#2. Killing and skinning small, orange-furred woodland creatures

While no one is exactly sure where the “hair” on his head comes from, it wouldn’t hurt to learn a skill that could possibly curry his favor for you. What better way to do that than to become the world’s best small, orange-furred woodland creature hunter? Anything that’s got small, straw-like patches of fur that somewhat cover its hide would be perfect toupee fodder for Emperor-President Trump, so make sure whichever firearm you choose isn’t too large for the job. Kill the varmint, but don’t decimate it.

#1. Finding a new country to live in

Something tells us that if Trump wins the presidency, knowing international immigration laws will come in handy. And you’d probably better learn about more than just Canada and Mexico’s laws. Because they can only handle so many people. So you might have to do some serious research into the subject. But it will all be worth it when you turn on your TV and see everyone in TrumpMerica® working in the tiny glove sweatshop, and roving the street checking all the genitals in the all the bathrooms in this great land, won’t it?

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About James Schlarmann 1463 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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