5 Things I Did Last Night Other Than Watch Two Dopes Attack a Bigger Dope

Apparently there was a Republican debate last night between Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and some narcoleptic dude. I didn’t watch a single, solitary moment of it. Why? Because we have the Internet now and I don’t have to subject myself to things that feel like drinking diarrhea of I don’t want to. I figured I’d catch all the highlights I needed to the next day, and I wasn’t wrong. It was every bit the empty rhetoric spew-fest shit show I expected it to be, mixed with a really nerdy and pointless gladiatorial match-up between Trump, Cruz and Rubio. Yay?

So what did I do last night instead of watching two dopes attack a bigger dope? This stuff.

#5. Cleaned Every Bit of Wax Out of My Ears

There really wasn’t a whole lot of it to begin with, but I figured it was better to clean the crap out of my ears, than to subject myself to bullshit being funneled into them. The end result is that I can hear much better now, and I wasn’t subjected to pedantic assholes trying to out-douchebag one another. I win!

#4. Cleaned Every Inch of Grout in My Bathroom With a Toothbrush

Maybe I didn’t expose myself to the human bacteria¬†that is the Republican presidential field, but I sublimated that desire by cleaning it off my bathroom floor. I even grabbed an old toothbrush so I could really pay attention to detail. Like you know, the details of every single one of their tax plans that balloons the deficit so they can give tax breaks to the wealthy? Yeah, those details.

#3. Got in a Meaningless, Unproductive Argument With My Wife

I guess I figured, why should Cruz, Trump, and Rubio get to do all the pointless shouting and talking over each other? Why not bring that experience home? Why should bloviating asshole politicians get to be the only ones to blow hot air around? I’m a bloviating asshole too! I want my bloviating asshole card punched!

#2. Masturbated

I mean, every single person on that stage is pretty much telling me to go fuck myself already. I figured, why not just go whole hog…or in my case micro hog? Wait. What?

#1. Stared at an Empty Wall for Two Hours

I guarantee you that I learned just as much about the Republican Party, the Republican candidates, and the direction they want to take this country in staring at an empty wall for two hours as I would have watching that whole debate. I’ve made the mistake of watching all the other debates, and no one, not a single candidate, did anything unexpected. Trump is a loudmouth douche. Cruz is a smarmy, loudmouthed, religious nutbar douche. Marco Rubio is a pre-packaged, prefabricated loudmouthed, religious nutbar douche that wants to force rape babies into the world. John Kasich seems normal until he starts talking about stuff that matters, and Ben Carson is a pyschopath when he’s awake. So no, I didn’t miss anything last night, and I won’t miss anything the next debate I skip, either.

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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