Believe it or not, the United States of America overcame being literally founded on slavery as a primary means of economic power and elected its first black president in 2008. The country even managed to re-elect Obama to a second term, affirming his place in history. It’s been one hell of a ride these last eight years. But as Obama turns off the lights on his tenure in the White House, I got to thinking about what all he’ll be doing today.
If it were me, I’d probably spend the day using the White House operator to call everyone who talked shit on me as a kid. Then I’d say to each of them, “Hey, remember when you said I wouldn’t be anything in life? Well, I’m about to pack my shit out of the White House, you know, after having been the most powerful man in the free world? Well, I’m leaving now, but I wanted to personally call you before the drone showed up outside your house…which should be happening right…about…now…Made you look, fucker.”
But obviously Barack Obama is a more mature human being than me, so he won’t be doing that. But what did Obama do on his last day in office? Well, here are some of my ideas. What are some of yours?
5 Things President Obama Did On His Last Day In Office
#5. Mailed Back All The Guns He Confiscated In The Last 8 Years
It took a long time and a shit load of stamps, but if he starts on it now, I’m pretty sure Obama could get all the guns he took away from law abiding citizens back to their rightful owners. Of course, if he didn’t want to be stuck doing this, he should’ve thought of that before he declared all guns illegal in 2010 and started systemically taking everyone’s away, replacing them with dildos and copies of the communist manifesto.
#4. Changed The White House Wi-Fi Password To “ORANGETURD666”
It won’t last forever, but Obama attempted to keep the country safe just a little longer by changing the Wi-Fi password on the White House’s home network. Obama’s thinking was that maybe if he could keep Trump from using the Internet service the White House has installed, he might not get good enough LTE coverage on his smartphone to tweet. And if Trump can’t tweet, he’s a much less dangerous human being. Good call, Mr. Soon-To-Be-Former President!
#3. Personally Scratched “In God We Trust” Off All Currency Templates
He’s been wanting to do it every since he took office. He swore to the Ghost of Saul Alinsky and Supreme Chancellor Sorostine that he’d do it. But those darn snooping conservatives kept foiling Obama’s mission to completely strip God and Christianity out of Americans’ lives. That’s why Obama would make sure to sneak over to the mint in D.C. and personally rub out “In God We Trust” from every currency template in existence, the sneaky African usurper!
#2. Declared Everyone’s Marriage “Gay” By Executive Order
When the Supreme Court ruled in the summer of 2015 that marriage equality was the law of the land, many in right-wing circles were terrified. They were sure it was just a matter of time before Obama forced everyone to get gay married. But luckily for all of us, Obama was too busy planning for Jade Helm and covering up two or three more Benghazis to get down to forcing everyone into gay marriages. So on his last day, by official Sharia Decree, he made everyone’s marriage a gay one. Score one for the sinister evil libtard agenda!
#1. Personally Performed 3 Million Abortions
This one was tough. He had to get all those guns back to their rightful owners. He had to sign all those forced gay marriage licenses. How on Earth was Obama going to also perform all those abortions he had scheduled as a celebration of his eight years in office? Maybe it was Muslim Voodoo, maybe it was black magic (if you know what I mean), but whatever it was, President Obama was able to reach deep down and find the strength and fortitude he needed to personally perform three million abortions. To put a cherry on that sundae, all three million abortions came from Republican households. Great work, Obama!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.