Oh sure, the thought of Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) being the next President of the United States is enough to send even the most stout-of-heart Americans into hysterics. After all, a Dominionist with that much power at his fingertips is indeed a scary thing when you think about how far he could advance an agenda that pulverizes free will under the boot hell of a brand of Christianity that says above all else, Christians must dominate the rest of the people, plants, and animals on Earth. And sure, that sounds a shit-load like Al Qaeda and Daesh when they talk about Islam, but you know what?
Believe it or not, Senator Cruz becoming president might actually help this great nation of ours. Don’t believe me? Read on!
5 Ways America Will Be Improved Under President Ted Cruz
#1. We Can Finally Throw Out That Useless First Amendment
Of course, just because the First Amendment’s protections of all religious expression have kept us from devolving into a Holy War the likes of which grip other parts of the world, that doesn’t mean it’s doing any good right, especially when those uppity gays can go and marry whatever adult they want to! What good is Freedom of Religion if it also promises freedom from it? When President Ted Cruz is in office, maybe he won’t be able to unilaterally destroy the First Amendment’s protections against having a religion rammed down your throat, but when the Chief Executive of your nation blasts out rhetoric that clearly implies his religion takes precedence over all others, that’s an assault on the First Amendment, period. Don’t forget, Cruz has already said during the primary that non-Christians shouldn’t be president, so this one really isn’t that far a stretch, is it?
#2. We Can Institute Dowries and Finally Get Back to Biblical Marriage
Better start saving those dowries, ladies! Nothing says “we’re all going to suffer in Hell” like allowing two adults to marry each other, even if they both have the same happy-happy parts right? Sure, our military has been blowing up and killing people — breaking one of the most important of the Ten Commandments — for decades, and yeah we systematically wiped out the natives that were here first, and sure, we turned a blind-eye to slavery, and okay, yeah we kept women as nothing but breeding mares for a long time, and yeah okay so we have people in this country who genuinely think poor people starving in the street is good for them to learn to take responsibility for themselves…but that gay marriage thing? The thing that is never expressly forbidden in the Bible? That’s what pisses off God enough to wipe us all out, but have no fear! President Pastor Ted Cruz will save us all by forcing those LGBT folks back into the closet, because nothing says “liberty and freedom” like not being able to be who you want to be, so look for his first executive order to be repealing all gay marriages and instituting biblical marriage laws.
#3. America’s Working Poor Can Finally Get that Fourth Job They’ve Always Wanted
As everyone knows, the poor in America don’t really have it all that bad because they have things like refrigerators and microwaves, at least according to conservative Republicans. Poverty is never the result of generations of inequality in opportunity, because racism is dead and sexism doesn’t matter. Under President Cruz’s guidance, and provided that the GOP holds control of the other two branches of government, the services working poor people depend on can finally be gutted and demolished, leaving millions of people open to taking a third or fourth job to help pay bills, since clearly getting one job with a living wage is something that exists only in mythology, like Trickle Down Economics or Santa Clause.
#4. Women Can Finally Stop Worrying About Their Own Uterine Decisions
Nothing says “small government” like a government so small it can fit inside your uterus and make sure you do as your told by the government. That makes total sense right, for a guy who says the government is so evil we can’t even have it help poor people get health insurance, he sure is very much so in favor of Big Brother making sure your little sister only does with her vagina what he wants her to. Undoubtedly if Cruz wins, and the GOP retains control of the Supreme Court and Congress, Roe v. Wade could be in jeopardy. But hey, ladies, maybe you’d just like a vacation from your own reproductive decisions anyway. Thinking about when you want to have a baby and making sure it’s on your terms and when you’re ready is hard! That’s for boys! Thank you, President Cruz, for making sure our wive’s, mother’s, sister’s, and daughter’s sex lives are your concern!
#5. Your Kids Won’t Be Burdened With All That “Knowledge” and “Education”
Ted Cruz, like so many Republicans, wants to end the Department of Education. Why? Because he’s one of millions of them that have been convinced that taxpayer-funded education is just a front for liberal indoctrination. Since you know, Algebra is biased against conservatives, and geography is anti-Ronald Reagan and stuff. Seriously though, Republicans are the ones demanding evolution be treated as myth and creationism be given full the weight of its intellectual merits in science class. So no one should be surprised they’re the ones that think we should gut the DOE and just let states decide how many thousands of years old the Earth is, or that slavery and the Civil War weren’t even tangentially-related. And once Cruz is president, think of how much easier you kids’ lives will be when they are free from all that knowledge of reality and history.