5 Ways Bernie Sanders’ Agenda Will RUIN America

Oh, so you consider yourself a “Berner,” do you? Want to vote for the Democratic Socialist, do you? Well, did you know his agenda will ruin America? Then read these five reasons why and stop trying to change the world for the “better,” Hippie!

#5. There Might Be a Lot Fewer Dumb People!

There are two huge cornerstone pieces of Bernie’s agenda: Universal Healthcare and free college education. But let’s just stop and think about what that means, shall we? A bunch of debt-free, smarty pants people who can like, think of solutions to complex problems that challenge us all. What the hell? Do you people not remember what George Washington said as he cut down the cherry tree that Abe Lincoln used to build the house that Ronald Reagan lost his virginity to Betsy Ross in?

“Me want America stay dumb forever.”

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#4. Women Might Like Control of Their Own Vaginae!

So many Americans are fixated on the wrong issue. Whether it’s “the economy,” or “jobs,” or “civil liberties,” none of that junk matters nearly as much as abortion, obviously. So if you elect a man who has fought for decades to protect the so-called “right” of women to so-called “control” their own so-called “reproductive autonomy,” then you might as well murder every unborn baby out there, Baby Murderer McGee! And when women start feeling so uppity that they can vote and decide what happens with their own vaginae, don’t say we didn’t warn you when all of a sudden they’re running companies and more than a handful of them are in Congress!

You’ve been warned!

First they smile at you, then they tell you stop treating them like garbage because they have vaginas!
First they smile at you, then they demand “jobs” and “votes” and “sexual liberty like men have.”

#3. People Might Only Have to Work TWO Jobs to Make Ends Meet!

Do you really want to see what America looks like when people working 40 hours a week don’t have to pick up one, two, or three side jobs that take them away from their loved ones? Do you really want to stop subsidizing WalMart’s wage structure with your tax dollars? What kind of crazy socialist thinks people who work a full time job shouldn’t need the equivalent of two more full time jobs to survive? This is America, damn it! The almighty dollar takes precedent over all things, and the last thing we want to do is pester the high holy oligarchs for a few more pennies, when we can just go work four more shit-paying jobs!

Do you really want him swimming in FEWER coins, Bern-Outs?
Do you really want him swimming in FEWER coins, Bern-Outs?

#2. Sick People Might Get Better, No Matter How Much Money They Have!

If the other reasons on this list didn’t convince you, then surely the idea of sick people getting medicine regardless of their income will make you see how terrible this Bernie Sanders is! What, just because more than 30 other industrialized nations have had universal health care in some form for decades, you think that it’d work here? You fools never seem to realize that humans in other countries are differenter from humans in this country because “America.” In this country, you either pay for your health care out of your pocket, you give tons of money every month to a faceless corporation just in case you need to give them more money later when you’re actually sick, you go into massive debt to pay for the health care, or you die. Just like George Washington wanted it.

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#1. Super-Crazy Rich People Might Have a Sad!

Guys! Super-crazy rich people are the backbone of this country! Sure, they need consumers to have money to consume since we’re in a consumer-based economy, but do you know what happens if we get too greedy and ask the super-rich guys for a few more pennies per dollar? They could get angry and leave this country they allegedly love so much because their fellow Americans need to have infrastructure and education to keep the society that feeds their fat bank accounts humming! Sure, it sounds a lot like extortion from the most powerful and the richest people in the country, but shut up, pleb! You’ll fight over the scraps and you’ll like it!

I mean, it’s not like this country functioned for like, decades after the Second World War with much the same tax structure that Sanders is proposing, right? Right?

Won't somebody think of these poor guys?!
Won’t somebody think of these poor guys?!
Need more convincing?

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About James Schlarmann 1489 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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