5 Things Trump Can Ban Instead Of Muslim Refugees and Immigrants

Whoopise! Looks like President Donald Trump and his pals in his administration forgot that our government isn’t really a monarchy after all. I just wish I could have been in the room with Genghis Con when he got word that his Muslim ban had been stayed by a federal judge…and a female judge at that. Seems like she grabbed an Islamaphobic pussy by the shirttails and heaved his bullshit order out into the street where it belongs, doesn’t it?

But the reality of course is that the stay issued on the Muslim ban will likely wind itself all the way to the Supreme Court. However, in the mean time, we thought maybe it’d be good for Trump to consider banning something other than Muslim refugees and immigrants. Unless he likes losing. Which, you know, maybe he does now that we think of it. After all, he’s been to bankruptcy court so many times he clearly enjoys losing at running a business.

Here now, though, are five suggestions for other, less controversial, things President Trump can ban from the United States.

#5. Shitty Reality TV Shows

Reality-TV is fun, for a time. You can watch people pretend to be real and not playing it up for the camera only so much though. And now that we have the ultimate reality-TV star treating our government like the ultimate reality-TV show, maybe it’s time for President Trump to put a permanent kibosh on America’s Next Top Real Housewife Cake Boss. This way, Trump still gets to feel like a king, and he gets to eliminate all his former reality-TV competition, which will make the despot in him happy, without being a xenophobic dick head to refugees. That’s a win-win right there.

#4.¬†Dippin’ Dots

If there’s one thing of vital national security interest that every American knows, it’s that Dippin’ Dots is NOT the ice cream of the future. Oh, sorry, by “every American” I meant “only the White House Press Secretary who is in the middle of a longstanding feud with the ice cream company Dippin’ Dots.” Why the feud exists we’re not too sure, maybe Dippin’ Dots fucked Sean’s wife once back in the day? But you know, Trump could help his buddy Sean out by just signing an executive order banning the frozen treat in the U.S., and we bet even free market capitalist Republicans wouldn’t care because, hey, they’re in the White House now, principles and morals are for loser bitches.

#3. Jokes About Fucking Your Own Daughter

Guys, all these jokes about how badly President Trump wants to feel how his daughter’s genitals feel while they’re wrapped around his insignificant, tiny little presidential veto pen are nasty! They need to stop. Just because there are many tapes of him making lewd and ridiculously inappropriate comments about his daughter Ivanka’s sexuality, that doesn’t mean we should joke non-stop about it. Well, actually, it does.

So maybe Trump should ban jokes about him wanting to fuck his own daughter for his sake. Because it’s going to be a long four years of incest jokes otherwise for the Daugther Banger In Chief.

#2. Working With A Foreign Government To Sway Our Own Elections In Your Favor

Oopsie. Too late for this one. Maybe next time…

#1. The Judicial Branch of Government

Clearly Trump and Company didn’t figure that the lower courts, you know, the ones with all the Obama appointees, would smack their executive orders down so quickly. If the president and his team want to have a less turbulent time with their blatant lawless power grab, they should probably just eliminate the Judicial Branch by executive order. Much cleaner that way, don’t you think? It’s so hard to president when someone’s always checking or balancing your power. What kinda idiots came up with this whole system of government anyway?





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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