The United States of America wouldn’t exist as a country if it weren’t for immigrants and refugees, literally. But that doesn’t stop the American political right-wing from believing that immigrants and refugees pose a threat to the safety and stability of the country. You or I might believe that it’s because they’ve been taught to fear and demonize immigrants rather than question the business practices of so-called “job creators.”
But right-wingers know that our American blood is just fundamentally different than the blood that runs through the veins of people born in other countries. We’re just better than them, and even though refugees have been thoroughly vetted already and immigrants have always provided a vitality and lift to our economy, none of that matters as much as “Ooga booga Muslims and Mexicans!”
However, maybe Trump and Company have their reasons for wanting to cut off the flow of new people in the country. Maybe they know something about immigrants and refugees that we don’t know. So we reached out to the White House, and they gave us the following seven “alternative” facts about immigrants and refugees.
#1. They Were The Second Gunman On The Grassy Knoll
For a long time there has been a conspiracy theory about the JFK assassination that centered around there being more than one gunmen. And one such theory posits there was a second gunman on a grassy knoll just in front of the book repository that Oswald fired from. Did you know that literally every single immigrant and refugee was on that grassy knoll that fateful day? Even if they had died or were not yet born, they were there.
At least according to the Trump administration that’s all true.
#2. They Fought On The British Side Of The Revolutionary War
Did you know a rag-tag bunch of lawless immigrants started a war against their own government on this continent? It’s true! They came here from another country, didn’t accept the customs and traditions that had already been established here, and ultimately got so cantankerous and so radicalized that they had the gall to riot and destroy a tea company’s lawful private property before starting open warfare with their rightful masters.
Maybe that’s why we should be extra careful about immigrants, eh?
#3. The Hate America So Much They Risk Their Lives And Security To Come Here And Fuck It All Up
Oh, sure, libtard. You say that we should trust immigrants and refugees because they’re just desperate people in need of help. But clearly they’re all just pretending to be fleeing from war torn countries. And no matter how adorable they are covered in blood and debris, can we really trust even a single Syrian toddler to not want to come into our country and blow it up? Obviously these refugees are sinister agents and they hate America so much they’re willing to leave their homes and families behind, and risk being sent right back home at the end of it all, just so they can come in and ruin it for us all.
Makes total sense huh?
#4. They Literally Invented Abortion
Hey, this one might seem hyperbolic, sure. It might seem kinda crazy. But think about it. Women have been trying to end their own abortions since long before the United States was even a thing. Ergo, abortion was invented somewhere else. Also ergo, it was invented by a foreigner. Third ergo, that means if that person were to try to move here they’d be an immigrant. Case closed, libtards. Immigrants invented abortion.
#5. You Can’t Spell “The Devil” Without “I” Which Is In “Immigrant” or “E” Which Is In “Refugee” TWICE!
Don’t call me crazy just because I’m inventing reasons to hate on people I’ve never met, Jerky McJerkerson and the Jerk Jerks. It’s not my fault that coincidences can easily be warped into conspiracy theories by the addle brained!
#6. They Call Soccer “Football”
You can insult me. You can insult my country. But you cannot call the Lord Thy God’s name by any other name but its given, ordained name. Sure, they had their game way before we did. And yeah, if you’re getting technical Mr. Smarty Pants, the term “football” would more appropriately describe the sport where touching the ball with your hands is illegal except for two players on the entire field. But for shit’s sake they don’t even call it a field, they call it a pitch, and that’s a direct Jihad they’re waging against baseball, America’s other pastime!
#7. They Took Our Number 7
We had a seventh item for you. No, really we did. We promise. But some immigrant came over here and took it from us, you know, like those types always do? So yeah, it’s totally not a case of us starting a seven item list and running out of steam and the work ethic to complete it. It’s a case of some mean ol’ Mexican or Mexican from another country who took our number seven from us!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.