To excuse away and justify their illegal and amoral travel/Muslim ban, one thing seems pretty certain now less than two months into Donald Trump’s tenure as president: He and his staff have no problem making up terror attacks on the spot.
First Kellyanne Conway made up the Bowling Green Massacre out of whole cloth, and then Trump himself made up an attack in Sweden, he’s now trying to say was about crime in general. Sure, it might seem really alarming at first that our presidential administration is either totally good with lying about shit that didn’t happen, or is so bad at reading comprehension that they can’t divine right-wing fear mongering from fringe conservative media outlets from actual news items. But, hey, shut up! This is Trump’s America. Critical thinking is for pussies.
So this got me to thinking…eventually they might run out of places to say that fake attacks happened. Which lead me to make this list for the Trump administration.
#7. The Moon of Endor
Everyone remembers Endor from “The Return of Jedi.” It’s the home planet of the lovable Ewoks. Well, Trump has his own short and furry companion who speaks quickly and in an unintelligible way…Sean Spicer. So it would only make sense that they’d use Endor as the site of the next fake attack. Hell, they could say a band of rebels attacked one of their generators, even, to make the story sound more believable.
I know, I know. Technically a terror attack did take place in Benghazi already. But Republicans made up a scandal about it. They might as well invent a new terror attack to go with it. They’d get the backyard commando set even more pumped up for armed conflict if they could say Benghazi was attacked once more.
C.S. Lewis’ fictitious realm from his famous children’s novels would be the perfect place for Trump and Co to make up an attack. It’s impossible to find on a map and Trumpians can’t find their own state’s capital on a map thanks to their DeVos-ian style educational systems. It’s also a land from a Christian allegory, and we all know how much the Religious Right loves their thrice-married, pussy grabbing, Super-Christian President Trump, right?
#4. Middle Earth
Stephen Miller looks like Gollum. Bannon is pretty much Putin’s Worm Tongue. And if I’m not mistaken, VP Mike Pence, much like Saruman was described by Tolkein, is a “lantern-jawed bigot and religiously sycophantic fuckwit.” Maybe I’m paraphrasing there. But still, Trump’s cabinet already looks like the Nazgul incarnate. So why not just go with it and make up a fake attack on Helm’s Deep or something?
#3. Wherever The Fuck E.T. Is From
We already know Trump wants to get rid of all the aliens. Why not start with one who’s already dying to call home so he can back there? Seems like a win-win on this one.
#2. The Upside Down
If you watched Netflix’s excellent homage to 80’s sci-fi and thriller films “Stranger Things,” then you know that The Upside Down is not a place we know a whole about right now. We know it’s dark, scary, and has at least one tremendously scary monster that we also don’t know nearly enough about. Are you starting to maybe see why this is a great place for the Trump administration to make up a terror attack? Well, how about I add that it seems the The Upside Down is a place that exists in a sort of “Opposite Land” other dimension of sorts?
#1. The Country Where Donald Trump Actually Won The Popular Vote
This is the most fictitious place on this list, to be honest. I mean, Benghazi is a real place, and the other ones on the list exist at least in the minds of the people who are mega-fans of their source material. But as much as Trump and his ilk want to cling to this insane notion that somehow three million illegal votes — the magic number needed to eclipse Trump — were cast only for Hillary Clinton and therefore Trump really won the popular vote is the purest form of fan fiction you could possibly hope for. Trump is the least popularly elected president of all time when it comes to his margin of defeat in the popular vote, and nothing he says or does will wipe that fact away any time soon.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.