THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS, ETERNITY — Speaking to the spirits of several disembodied and deceased presidents at their monthly mixer in the Hall of Presidents located in the fourth dimension of time and space, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln was quite perplexed about the emergence of Donald J. Trump as the presumptive Republican candidate for 2016.
Lincoln, who was the first Republican to ever hold the office of the presidency, cited numerous things about Trump’s rhetoric that seem “incongruous” with what he thought to be his party’s values as the sixteenth president sees things.
“Well, let’s just start with the fact that I freed Southern slaves with the Emancipation Proclamation and helped shepherd the 13th amendment through Congress in order to make the slave trade illegal forever more, and members of my party were the ones who were registering black people to vote during the Civil Rights era. So why the hell is the guy who is the de facto leader of my party someone who is in favor of building massive, expensive, and worthless walls just because he knows he can play on racial-based fears and stereotypes?”
President Lincoln also said that Trump’s comments towards Muslim Americans are “frighteningly anti-First Amendment.”
“Did they just stop teaching how Freedom of Religion works in our classrooms or something,” Abe asked, “because this one’s a no-brainer. Saying that people of a certain religion are no longer welcome within the boundaries of this great nation is an affront to everything we made this union for!”
Lincoln continued, “And that brings up another point. How the hell did we go from believing that everyone, everywhere, has a right to a vote to being the party that’s passing all these onerous voter ID laws that are only about keeping people from exercising their rights? It’s fucking ludicrous, I tell you, and it makes me want to cram my massive stove pipe hat up their asses so I can funnel real liberty up there. A democracy suppository. That’s what today’s Republican Party needs.”
“They don’t call me Honest Abe for nothin’,” Lincoln said as he grabbed his coat and headed out to a theater just down the fourth-dimensional road, “And honestly? This is royally fucked, if you asked me.”