Actual Witch to Trump: ‘In Your Case It’s a Whiny Bitch Hunt’


This completely made-up, clearly satirical news piece first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.


A DARK WOODED AREA — Helga the Vile has been a witch as long as she can remember. Ms. The Vile has what she is calling a “short and sweet message” for President Donald Trump.

“Stop comparing yourself to noble covens,” Ms. Vile said, “because in your case it’s a whiny bitch hunt.”

Helga was referring to the temporary president’s use of the term “witch hunt” to describe the ongoing, multiple federal investigations into his presidential campaign, and now himself for obstruction of justice. It was learned this week that special counsel Robert Mueller has opened a criminal obstruction investigation into Mr. Trump over his firing of former FBI Director James Comey. Trump’s reasoning for the firing has been anything but consistent, but in a televised interview with NBC’s Lester Hold, Trump made indicated he fired Comey because, at least in part, of the FBI’s investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russians who hacked American systems during last year’s election season.


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This week alone, Trump has tweeted twice and used the term, “witch hunt,” which can be seen below.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

You are witnessing the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history – led by some very bad and conflicted people! #MAGA

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director! Witch Hunt




Helga, says however, that even though she finds witch hunts “appalling for obvious, personal reasons,” she’s far more upset at Trump trying to co-opt them to “cover up his blatant incompetence, corruption, and guilt.”

“Look, for starters, usually people in caught up in witch hunts are innocent,” Helga said, “but no one in their right mind would call Trump innocent. Maybe he didn’t collude with Russia; fine. But he absolutely tried to obstruct justice with Comey. If you don’t see that, you’re a partisan blind Republican. Come see me, and I’ll put a hex on you that will let you see the world as the rest of us do. It’s basically me just cursing your TV to never show Fox News.”


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Ms. The Vile says that Trump is confusing the investigations into him as witch hunts because “no one has ever held that fat, orange, bag of fuck accountable before.”

“And he’s freaking out about it,” Helga said, “but basically every time he tweets about how he’s the subject of a witch hunt, he’s really just whining about being caught saying or doing something he shouldn’t. Maybe instead of relying on lawyers who think they know how his government works, he should have hired some who actually do.”

Helga says that she sees other glaring dissimilarities between Trump and those who are caught up in actual witch hunts.

“Usually,” Helga said, “the victim of the witch hunt doesn’t invite the hunt on themselves by doing stupid and/or illegal stuff. Trump is his own worst enemy. He’s basically complaining because he stood in front of the whole country and told Lester Hold he’s a witch and now people are aware of his witch-ocity, so to speak.”


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About James Schlarmann 1409 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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