Have you been watching America’s favorite new RealityTV show – “America’s Next Presidential Type Guy?” If not, you really should!
If you haven’t caught it yet, don’t worry! The good news is that it airs literally all over TV and the Internet. In case you’ve been living under a rock, though, here’s a brief synopsis:
The show follows an orange, unlovable loser as he tries to become the next President of the United States of America. What makes this orange guy so unique is that at no other time in America’s history would he even remotely be considered someone who should be president. But, we’re living in a realityTV world, and Americans seem ready to embrace a walking, talking shart in a bad toupee becoming the most powerful person in the free world, as long as he’s had a TV show or two.
This week, “America’s Next Presidential Type Guy” aired its mid-season finale. If you missed this episode, you’re hella bummed! It featured loud angry mobs shouting to have someone arrested for breaking laws that they don’t even know of. It featured daughters that the orange man would probably have sex with if things were different and he weren’t, like, related to them and shit.
The show’s producers decided to make it a four night event. Each night has a separate theme, and features different guest stars. In the first two nights, we were treated to a brilliant performance as “Old Guy Angry At Muslims” by Rudy “9/11” Giuliani. That first night also featured a Christian pastor condemning his enemies in a very un-Christian way as well as some fun speeches from people who are convinced that Hillary Clinton should go to jail for doing or not doing something about a guy named Ben Gozzi. Depending on who you ask, either she should have done something she didn’t, or she did something she wasn’t supposed to have done.
The second night’s episode was the most thrilling so far though. It featured the big, giant, gaseous bag of orange manure and Cheeto dust finally achieving what he’d set out to do since he rode an elevator down to a podium in the season premiere — he secured the Republican nomination for president. This puts America one step closer to following up its first black president with its first D-List reality-TV star.
Clearly a moment of national pride.
With just two episodes in the mid-season finale left, there’s just no telling who could appear or what could happen. There are rumors of a super-fun book burning bonfire. And at some point the giant, orange fecal knapsack will be speaking to the largest international audience of his lifetime. The sparks should fly then!
Tune in the rest of this week to “America’s Next Presidential Guy,” airing every night on various cable news and streaming Internet services.