An Open Letter to Conservative Americans About Scalia’s Replacement

Dear Conservative Americans,

I don’t fee like there’s been a liberal voice who’s come out and been completely honest with you about the dynamics of President Obama choosing Justice Antonin Scalia’s replacement on the Supreme Court, and so, hey, here I am…yay?

Anyway, let’s put all the cards on the table: I totally understand where you’re coming from. Because as Joe Biden‘s and Chuck Schumer‘s previous comments on lame duck presidential Supreme Court picks have proven — either side fucking hates it when they don’t get to make the pick. So that’s why Ted Cruz is this year’s Joe Biden and Mitch McConnell is a bag-faced asshole.

Wait. What? Sorry, back to the point at hand.

I really do get it. Liberals would be trying to stall the clock too. Anyone who says otherwise is totally lying to you, because I’m pretty sure it’s a safe assumption that most thinking, politically engaged adults know how super-important the Supreme Court is. If we’d had a slight liberal majority in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, Al Gore would have not led us into the Iraq War, and who the hell knows if Barack Obama would have even been elected because he was a reaction to eight years of the dumbfuckery the barely-conservative high court had inflicted on us liberal Americans.

The Supreme Court is, well, supremely important, for sure. I mean, you all know better than we do the Supreme Court can really reshape society thanks to Judicial Review (which is totes-constitutional and you guys should really let that one go, FYI)

But, and don’t hate me guys, since we’re being so truthful here — fuck you. I mean, really, fuck you. You lost. I know a lot of you don’t even believe in elections because “muh no social contract” or whatever, but I mean, you lost. The popular vote has not swung your way in five of the last six presidential elections. I’m not saying that means you’ll lose this year, I’m saying it’s why you are in the predicament you are in right now where you don’t get to do the thing you want to do.


When we say, “Elections have consequences,” that really means something. Do you think it was pure awesomeness for liberals to watch Scalia write disgusting, mean, backwards and outright wrong opinions about homosexuals? This moment is exactly why Obama was elected twice, and you know it. This is why we elect presidents. Supreme Court picks and selfies, duh.

You’re not going to win this one, because you haven’t won the White House in eight years, and you haven’t convinced more Americans than your opponents have that you’re fit to run the country in a long time. I totally get why you want to put this off because hey, you could win this year, and then you get to keep your ideological stranglehold on the court, but that’s not what that piece of paper that you claim to have a near sexual relationship with prescribes, is it?

To be honest, your politicians are probably playing it correctly. They can sit it out and wait, and a lot of them won’t be punished at the polls…but some will.

What do you tell those vulnerable Senators? Fall on your sword? Okay. Tell them that, and then watch your thin lead in the Senate slip away. Even if by some nightmare your party makes it into the White House, you’ll watch your guy’s first four or five choices get bogged down in the Senate, because you know that Democrats aren’t going to take the high road. You’ve all made this shit a zero sum game, and fight as you might against its sting, the smack of reality is about to come bearing down your ass cheeks.

You all lost a shit load of really important elections and then crapped out on the “Waiting for One the Super Old People on the Supreme Court to Die or Retire” table. This is definitely one of those classic “Sucks to be You” moments, and no matter what you do, you will not win. So…figure it out conservative Americans. Block Obama now, and you might just be seeing his Kenyan ass in a Supreme Court Justice’s robe handing down verdicts in favor of President It Doesn’t Matter Because America Doesn’t Trust You to Run a Mile, Much Less the Country, Assholes.

Valla con shut the fuck up and tell your politicians to do their jobs,

Jambo

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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