Hey Ann Coulter: I’ll Give You $300 If You’ll Shut The Fuck Up Forever

Ann Coulter said something stupid? NOOO!

In case you missed it — Ann Coulter lost her shit on Twitter in a way that would make her orange, sexually predatory führer quite proud. The subject of Coulter’s tweet rage was the fact that, while waiting for her flight on Delta Airlines to take off, she was asked to move seats to accommodate another passenger. Ann’s tirade was fueled by the fact that she’d paid extra money she could have more leg room in a step up from Delta’s regular coach service.

Here are Ann’s tweets that have set the Twitter world abuzz, below.

Ann Coulter on Twitter

So glad I took time investigate the aircraft & PRE-BOOK a specific seat on @Delta, so some woman could waltz at the last min & take my seat.

Ann Coulter on Twitter

@Delta motto: “How can we make your flight more uncomfortable?

And those are just the first two. She went on an hours-long bender of anti-Delta tweets, bashing the airline and the passenger who took her seat. I won’t do the poor woman who was abused by Ann the same discourtesy of publishing her photo when she didn’t give us permission to, but suffice to say that the Aryan Queen had no problem taking and tweeting a photo of her, violating her privacy in ways that would make real, normal conservatives angry as hell.

After some time, Delta took to their official Twitter account and threw gargantuan levels of shade at Coulter.

 

Delta on Twitter

@AnnCoulter We’re sorry you did not receive the preferred seat you paid for and will refund your $30. (cont.)

Delta on Twitter

@AnnCoulter Additionally, your insults about our other customers and employees are unacceptable and unnecessary.

In a longer statement, Delta lit up Coulter for her boorish and rude behavior.

“We are disappointed that the customer has chosen to publicly attack our employees and other customers by posting derogatory and slanderous comments and photos in social media,” Delta said in a statement on Sunday, further describing Coulter’s behavior as “unnecessary and unacceptable.” (source)

For starters –Don’t demons come with wings now too? Couldn’t Ann have simply taken off her clothes, revealed herself as the Spawn of Satan she is, and then just flapped her demonic wings to take her to her destination? Secondly: THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS?! THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS? Ann threw a toddler’s hissy fit over a matter of thirty dollars?

Jesus, Ann, if I give you ten times that amount will you just shut the fuck up and go away…like, forever?

It’s comical as hell that Ann tries to play herself off as some big, rich, super successful author, but she doesn’t fly first class? I mean, shouldn’t all her knowledge of money and economics and taxes and shit have gotten her to the point where she can afford to pay a lot more than a thirty dollar surcharge for a little better seat? No? I’m okay with people being frugal and all, but the fact of the matter is that someone at Ann’s level would just be presumed to be a first class flyer by most.

Thirty dollars. She tried to ruin an anonymous woman’s life because she paid thirty extra dollars? I’m not kidding, I’m a broke comedian and I will gladly sign over a check for $300 — ten times the amount she publicly shit her pants over — if she promises to take that money and never speak out loud again. And I know I’m getting the shit end of the stick here because if Ann would lose her mind over thirty bucks, she’d probably be ecstatic to get thrity-five, or even forty bucks. Maybe for just two Jacksons — likely Ann’s favorite Democrat, what with all that genocide of darker skinned people he enabled — we could be rid of Coulter’s flaming shit sack of a “mind” and the idiotic, racist pedantry that bursts forth from it forever!




Fuck it. Let’s get a GoFundMe setup and see just how much money we could raise for paying Ann back the money she lost on her seat, plus a few extra bucks, just to make her go find a hole to crawl in for the rest of eternity. We wouldn’t have to chip in that much. Hell, if we all chip in that same thirty bucks, she could get enough for a first class ticket back to the landfill she crawled out of as a small, undeveloped fecal parasite.

The question really becomes — how much money would you chip-in if it meant Ann Coulter would never be heard from again? Frankly, I think humanity could pony up enough to buy her an island somewhere in uncharted waters, and with each of us only giving a buck or two. Hell, there are seven billion people on the planet, a billion or more are Muslims, and she attacks them all the time. I bet if just the Muslim population donated, Ann could fly first class to her private island, pay someone to dig a bunker, and then crawl deep inside that bunker and never, ever come out.

…well, one can still dream can’t he?

In summation: Fuck Ann Coulter. But not, like, really fuck her, because demonic overpopulation is a thing.

 

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About James Schlarmann 1406 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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