I Think Ann Coulter’s Pocket Constitution Is Missing The First Amendment

Ann Coulter said something stupid? NOOO!

Some people loathe Ann Coulter so much they get angry when I write about her. Apparently, to them, the best way to treat cancer is to ignore it while it eats you up from the inside out. So for those people, I suggest closing this tab and finding yourself some porn or cats. The Internet is lousy with them.

For the rest of us, it’s time to take a brief jaunt into the inane and insane world of Ann Coulter, by way of this Islamaphobic tweet:

Umm. Ann? You know that Constitution thing you act like you’ve rolled up and stuffed deep inside your ladydom because you loved it so much it needed to literally be a part of you, if but for brief moment or two? Yeah, you see, that thing has this set of add-ons to it that give Americans certain rights. We call it the Bill of Rights. It’s sort of important. I’d recommend any number of grade school textbooks for you to edify yourself with, because my fourth grader son would be embarrassed for himself if he had tweeted such bold faced ignorance as you did.

So, here’s the text of the First Amendment:

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. (source)

It really is as simple as that. It’s literally the very first thing our government is specifically, strictly forbidden to do. Which is why you know that either Aryan Annie’s pocket Constitution is missing the First Amendment, or she really doesn’t believe most — if not all — of the shit that comes out of her mouth. Honestly, ask yourself how anyone who allegedly loves a country so much could also want to violate one of its founding principles to protect her white dominance.

Oh, I guess that means she could also just be a legit racist and willing to sacrifice any principle she claims for the sake of her racism. There is that, I guess.

The really galling irony is that it’s people like Ann who try to twist freedom of religion into a cudgel. Then they try to use that cudgel to bash in the heads of the LGBTQ+ community, since they’re all enormously ass-hurt over things like hate crime laws meant to protect minority classes from being literally beaten to death. So, ultimately, what Ann believes is that the First Amendment only pertains to Christians.

Not that this latest tweet of Ann’s is surprising, not in the slightest. She’s also one of the queens of the alt-right hate movement against Mexicans. You can almost smell her glee on every one of her retweets of some vicious murder or another taking place in a Latin American country. She loves implying that all Mexicans and Latinos are the spawns of Satan, but then again maybe it’s a “takes one to know one” kinda deal here, huh?

What’s next? Is Anne going to suggest Congress needs to pass a law prohibiting Muslims from speaking until they’re spoken to? I mean, after all, if one part of the First Amendment doesn’t apply to Islamic people, surely Ms. KKKoulter could figure out a way to make that same paradigm apply for the whole amendment? Some kind of Skittles reference perhaps? I don’t know; I’ll leave the hate speech couched as political commentary to Nazi Skeletor.

Ann is probably reason number one or two why I want Trump to not only lose, but to suffer the worst Electoral College landslide loss since Saint Ronnie in 1984. I want to see her and Tomi Lahren melt in a pool of hate, collagen, and peroxide when Hillary not only wins, but is swept into office with a huge mandate. And I say that as someone who makes no bones about the fact that I’m holding my nose and voting for Hillary.




I want Ann to lose so badly because the vapid hate monger actually wrote a book called, “In Trump We Trust.” She has so fully sold out her conscience and morals that again I’m forced to wonder if she’s just another carnival barker who really doesn’t believe a single syllable she spews like so much fascist diarrhea. Because otherwise, the only conclusion you can draw is that she’s a racist hypocrite…and that just doesn’t seem like our Annie, does it?

Here’s a proposition: Let’s all start tweeting Ann a link to the text of the First Amendment. Maybe I’ve been too harsh on her all along and she just needs to be given a primary school remedial education on the Bill of Rights. I’ll also tweet her links to the definition of irony because the level of anti-outsider rhetoric she spews puts her in good company with ISIS, the very people she loves to conflate with ordinary, average, Muslims.

Who’s with me?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1445 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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