Two of the most obnoxious things on Facebook have got to be the myths propagated by the Food Babe, Vani Hari, and multi-level marketing schemes (MLMs) like Jamberry Nails and Advocare. If someone isn’t bitching about GMOs and clean eating backed by Gwyneth Paltrow pseudo-science, they are trying to sell me over-priced nail stickers and miracle weight-loss shakes.
Hide, hide, delete, hide, delete, goddammit, stop adding me to these groups, no I don’t want to SELL this shit, I don’t even want to buy Plexus Slim or body wraps, GO AWAY, delete….FUCK IT YOU’RE BLOCKED I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE MY SISTER-IN-LAW!
Okay, yeah, I’ve lost a few “friends”. But obnoxious doesn’t even begin to describe the sales tactics of these folks with their over-priced quackery, and I’m also not a big fan of barely legal pyramid schemes.
Imagine my sheer delight when I found out today that everyone’s favorite “family values” GOP nominee had his very own Food Babe Jamberry Nail Club! Okay, actually, he “lent his name” to a custom vitamin MLM, but that’s pretty much the same thing in my book.
According to The Daily Beast:
One of the major products that the Trump Network sold was PrivaTest, a urine analysis formulated by Ideal Health, a multi-level marketing company focusing on “naturopathic” products. Naturopathy centers on the idea that the body can self-heal through the use of therapeutic substances like herbs and vitamins. Using this urine test, Ideal Health claimed to be able to “tailor” a vitamin regimen to do just that. (Source)
Oh joy. Piss in a cup, mail it in, and get custom bullshit delivered right to your door. Sign me up right now! Let me sell it to all my friends, too! They will love it and me.
With Trump as the face of the regimen, it would cost approximately $140 for the test and a month’s supply of vitamins, $70 for every subsequent month’s supply, and a recommended $100 PrivaTest retesting every nine months.
Fuck Trump Steaks. This is a winner. I totally get why the FDA doesn’t regulate stuff like this. I mean, what could go wrong? It’s not like my doctor could test me for vitamin deficiencies and make a “medical determination”, prescribe me “necessary” supplements for an “existing condition”, right? When I think about my health, I think Trump Network.
But these super fabulous TrumpBabe Jamberry Vitamins actually were a “high grade comprehensive multi vitamin” with “mineral antioxidants,” made to reduce “liver inflammation,” and provide “detox support”. Well, thank GAWD we cleared that up. I was afraid they were a complete and total waste of my fucking money.
Incidentally, they lasted a couple of years, until TrumpBabe got bored or ran out of money or something, then sold the mess off to some other idiot company. In more shocking news, Donald Trump reportedly never had his own piss tested or took a single one of his name-branded very effective special pills…which might explain his ongoing obsession with his “tiny hands”. I dunno. Bless his heart, maybe they would have helped with that itsy-bitsy dicksy problem.