Are Trump And Pence Trying To Start A New Confederacy?

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and their surrogates are playing a dangerous game with the American public. They’re ginning up and fomenting distrust in the election to the point that they’ve got people pledging to monitor polling places for what I can only presume are brown-skinned people they don’t think should be there voting in the first place.

There has never been a major party candidate who stoked this much paranoia about voter fraud or election rigging. You almost get the sense that they’re trying to start a new Confederacy. Though, it’s probably way more likely Trump’s just trying to set up a new alt-right news network where he gets to play the new Roger Ailes part. He’s already got the lecherous, misogynistic sex predator thing going on.

Republicans have pushed pointless voter ID laws onto the books over their hyperbolic hand-wringing about election fraud, but heretofore, you have never seen a single, solitary nominee for president essentially threaten the country by saying if they don’t win, it’s obviously rigged and people should consider violence as an alternative. Given the level of tension in the air right now, I genuinely hope that election night violence results in Pence and Trump being dragged into court by their obviously inferior dicks and sued for every red cent they’ll ever have.

The Second Amendment promises you a right to own a firearm. It does so in the highly unlikely event we need to repel borders. It doesn’t, you’ll notice, say anything about the right to keep and bear arms replacing, subverting, or even supplementing the election process. Nowhere in the Constitution will you find instructions on how to invoke the Bloody Revolution clause should you lose. If we don’t call this sour grapes and poor sportsmanship, we should, but it probably needs to be condemned as something even worse — potential insurrection.

Considering the implicit threat of bloody violence and Civil War against their own government, yes, I think that calling Trump and Pence’s rhetoric “insurrectionist” is completely apt. If I’m describing a fart, I call it stinky. If I’m describing Ann Coulter, I call it “mouth breathing Nazi Skeletor.” By the same logic, I call Trump and Pence insurrectionists.

And this is nothing new.

Trump’s speaking to the Amon and Cliven Bundy bloc. He’s speaking to the “Second Amendment Solutions” crowd who routinely genuflect to our right to bear arms as if Jesus Christ himself wrote the amendment. Up to now, though, Trump has been sort of out on his own island of conspiracy theory bullshit. Not after today; he’s got his running mate there with him.

Pence just unleashed on the subject of voter fraud, saying that American patriots doing their patriotic duty would stop voter fraud and that’s why he’s not worried about it.

Now would be a great time to remind people that if you Google “confirmed cases of in-person voter fraud” you’re going to find barely over two dozen cases in the last sixteen years. For further perspective, that number is out of a billion votes cast. That’s math even Trump voters can do.

It’s also a good time to remind you that the system isn’t fucking rigged.

Unless you consider it rigged against choosing an utter misanthropic oligarch as your running mate and having a chance in hell of winning. Perhaps it’s rigged against choosing someone who calls all Mexicans rapists and murderers as your guy. Shifting demographics in this country make it so that Hispanic and Latino votes will mean more than ever. And this was a choice they made even after a very famous post-mortem of 2012 showed a need to do the complete and total opposite of choosing an orange-faced racist.

The media isn’t rigging the election. The Democrats aren’t. The Republicans aren’t. You just either sat back and let your party be overtaken by assholes or you’re an asshole who overtook a party, scared off the ones with even a modicum of self-respect and sanity, and relied on your collective hatred of the Clinton family to be enough to carry the day. The funny and sad (for you) part is that had you chosen Mitt Romney again, you’d probably be staring at a win, and instead?

Instead you’re looking at the worst Electoral College landslide loss since your patron saint won in 1984. It’s entirely possible that not only will HRC win it, but she’ll win it by margins that her husband couldn’t even get to. And that still doesn’t mean it’s rigged.

No one told you to choose Orange Cheeto Jesus. No one told you to spend years castigating the LGTBQ+ community. No one told you to spend years rolling back Roe vs. Wade. No one told you to become, frankly, a party so detached from its roots as to be comical in its death spiral. That’s on you.

Twitter has become a place where to find Nazi shit flung at people from Trump voters. I’ve been told that they’re coming for me. I won’t be able to “dodge the ovens” this time, they say. I’m not saying Trump or Pence hired these goons to terrorize Twitter users; I’m saying they’re feeding the lunacy. And every time one of them intimates that the election isn’t above board, they put people like me  — and obviously way more important and well-known members of the media — in grave danger.

Guns aren’t registered voters. Hell, thanks to the NRA they’re not even registered period. Ammunition’s not empty ballots. And your backyard bunker isn’t a polling station. I wouldn’t have any problems with Trumpeters who are lashing out being met with the same, swift fate that those who tried Shay’s Rebellion were met with. Though I think seeing Hillary Clinton ride up on horseback isn’t possible, because we all know Ann Coulter doesn’t wear her saddle out anymore.

(Not even remotely apologizing for that one.)

We don’t live in a country where we settle elections with guns. Not in over 150 years anyway. And as a student of history, I have no fucking intention of walking my children back down that bloody road. The whole idea of our self-governance is thrown out of the window by idiots deciding that since they didn’t win, the election must surely have been rigged.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



About James Schlarmann 1479 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
Twitter Auto Publish Powered By :