This is my very common refrain: I’m a comedian, not a politician, not a political scientist. Still, as a satirist, I try to be informed and keep my commentary and satirical stuff in at least some kind of shape that can even be remotely labeled as “intellectual.” However, right now is not the time for trenchant political analysis. Now is not the time for pithy, witty, and perhaps ribald commentary. Nope. Now is the time to mock Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and the Tea Party strangulated GOP incessantly.
Now, my friends is the time for tweets like these, that I sent, and I hope you’ll join me in sending more. Because we know what a fragile, diminutive, tiny-handed, orange, shrivel dick of a snowflake our “president” is.
Dear @realDonaldTrump: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL!
— James Schlarmann (@JamboSchlarmbo) March 24, 2017
Donald lost bigly. How bigly? Well, for starters, the smug and hubris-filled indignation that Trump and White House Press Secretary leading up to this utter and complete failure on their part was enough to choke an elephant. We kept being told over and over again in press briefing after press briefing that this bill would pass, that Trump was “the Closer.”
Politico ran two pieces on Monday about the disinterest that Donald Trump has been showing toward his and Paul Ryan’s flailing Obamacare replacement bill. (Trump mentioned the bill only sparingly in a long campaign-style speech in Louisville, Kentucky, on Monday night, for example.)
I think it’s safe to say that Trump’s not a Closer. He’s not even a journeyman in the bullpen hoping to get one batter out every six weeks. In fact, it’s obvious that Trump doesn’t close anything anymore, not himself. Especially not the fridge door.
As a result of his loss, as a result of his total failure to “close” this deal, we get to read headlines like this:
— CNN (@CNN) March 24, 2017
To borrow a phrase, “Now that just makes my heart throb from the bottom of the feet.”
You know, I had a whole lot of other words written about this failure. I had a lot more input than I thought I was going to have. I wrote about a thousand words of analysis I didn’t think I was going to. And then, it hit me.
Fuck all that. We all know what a punch in the face this is to Don. We know he won’t ever admit it. But we know. Spicer was a wormy little indignant shit head the last couple weeks to every reporter who asked about a contingency plan. So this is comeuppance that pretty much really does speak for itself.
This isn’t the first failure of Trump’s administration. His Muslim bans have been smacked around by the judiciary. His Obamacare replacement push has died for now. And these failures are the perfect window into what Co-President Trump’s baseline reaction is when he loses.
“I’m taking my ball and going home!’
Because that’s what mature, 70-year-old men act like, and not trust fund racists who’ve never been held accountable for anything in their lives.
For now, though, enough thoughts. Enough “takes.” I just want to say one, last, final thing to Donald Fuckface Trump right now, something that I think perhaps best encapsulates how so many of us feel right now. But, I think I’ll yield the stage to some people who might have an even greater appreciation for what just happened to Donald.
Go home and get your shine box, Donny, you fuckin’ red nosed, orange faced clown goblin. This is what losing the popular vote in historic fashion and trying to act like the Big Shit gets you…a heaping, helping of humble pie. Not that you’ll eat it…
…though it’d be the one thing you should stuff into that dopey, stupid face of yours.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.