An Atheist Comedian Proves God’s Existence Through Trump Leaks

President Donald J. Trump has a leak problem. Of fucking course President Pee Pee has a leaking problem. If he didn’t, it would the biggest waste of  basic universal comedic potential ever. In fact, if I’m being honest? As an atheist I can say it pretty much proves the existence of God, in some way.

Some Devine hand must have guided this in order to ensure its inevitability.

Otherwise, you’d almost have to assume this is just another byproduct of our current “president’s” lifelong ability to fail even when having everything handed to him. But up to now, he has managed to largely avoid the consequences for his unabashed public failures; of which there are many. He somehow managed to own casinos and file bankruptcy. His steaks were a failure, as was his line of bottled water. And his university is a sham that forced him to pay out a $25 million settlement just before he took office. But now, he’s in the spotlight 24/7, and he clearly doesn’t like that information that puts him in a bad light can be leaked to the entire world, and there’s pretty much nothing he can do about it.

God’s existence is self-evident now. Because if there was no God, surely we wouldn’t be so lucky as to be sidled with such an incompetent, corrupt puppet in the highest office without getting daily information that makes it easier and easier t mock and ridicule the idiot. Surely God is real because the guy who allegedly loves leaks as long as they’re against Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama has been a steady, consistent victim of a drip, drip, dripping administration. God is real because the guy who’s wrapped up in accusations that he enjoys having Russian whores piss on, near, or around him is now seeing his presidential administration torn limb from limb on the daily because it leaks like an over-full diaper on the ass of a tangerine-tinted racist oligarch.

I’m an atheist now, but I was born and raised in a right-wing evangelical household. I remember what I was taught about God working in “mysterious ways.” And I have to admit, that on Election Night last year, I was convinced that Trump’s victory actually proved my atheism was correct. The Russian Pee Pee Party (which truthfully I put zero faith in being true, but only bring up incessantly to troll Trump and his acolytes) made me start to see a different perspective, and when the leaks start Russian out of the Trump White House, I knew it — God was showing Herself to us, and all we had to do was be willing to see it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Even if we accept the leaks as positive proof that a benevolent God of some kind is watching over us, we’re still stuck with dealing with the fallout from any policies Herr Trump gets enacted. There will still be transgender kids to protect, and immigrants and Muslim refugees to shield from ignorance. And so maybe God exists, but her sense of humor is, well, kinda fucked up? I don’t know.

All I do know is that, thankfully, the guy who is famous for having a dossier that alleges he likes leaks in one regard can’t keep his administration from unleashing a hot, flowing stream of damaging info on him. You have to find the silver linings among the volumes of utter and complete bullshit. Otherwise, you might as well find a high place to throw yourself off of now.

The best part, to me, is that if Trump wasn’t such a hubris-filled sack of bullshit, he might be getting some sympathy from the American People. But not only is he a loud and proud douchebag to anyone he sees as his enemy at the time, he’s also a reality TV attention whore. So why wouldn’t Americans of all stripes get at least a little kick out of watching him squirm over the leaks? Then of course we have to deal with the idea of why those leaks are happening.

The leaks are coming and not stopping because people within the White House are true patriots. They are putting their country ahead of their party and even their livelihoods by making sure the public knows exactly how fucking nuts this asshole is acting. We have a right to know how the most powerful man in the free world treats us or thinks about treating us behind doors, and that’s what the leakers are essentially providing — a window into the “mind” of a man who has clearly lost his.





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



About James Schlarmann 1232 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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