The Bachmann Diaries: I Was A Trailblazer Before Hillary

Dear Diary,

Well, it seems the end of this great country is at hand. Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee for president. Marcus and I watched the primary results Tuesday on our knees, praying, speaking in tongues, and wailing and gnashing our teeth. Well, Marcus gnashed his teeth; I didn’t want to chip my veneers. And all the lamestream media can talk about is how Hillary Clinton is a trailblazer. Oooo, the first female nominee, oooo, she was Secretary of State, oooo, she was this, she was that. I was a trailblazer long before that awful woman, Diary, but did the liberal media give me that title? Of course not, because I believe in traditional marriage, I am pro-life, I am anti-big government, I am rich and pretty, and my husband has never cheated on me with a woman.

Donald Trump could still win. Marcus has been “trolling” Facebook pages, and has noticed a lot of Bernie Sanders supporters saying they’ll vote for Trump before they’ll vote for Clinton, which is fantastic news. I don’t understand that at all, but we’ll take it! Donald is going to build that wall, and keep all the Muslims out, and defund Planned Parenthood, and keep taxes low on the job creators. I’m a job creator-I employ a new manicurist at least once a month. The last one got deported. Honestly, how can the stupid government expect normal people like me to go through some Romanian woman’s entire life story?

Marcus made me a sash with the word “Trailblazer” written on it with sequins. I’m going to wear it to church this Sunday. I was the first female presidential candidate in the history of America, and I would have been the best president this country has ever seen. I mean, yes, I really wanted to change the country’s name to Godlandia, and I wanted to be queen, but in hindsight, those weren’t the greatest ideas. We do need Holy God back in our schools, and our homes, and our public restrooms, but I can’t just change the name of the greatest country in the world. Our Forefathers were inspired by God to name this country, and the Constitution was written by God, just like the Bible, so as much as I love Godlandia, we need to keep the original name.

So Hillary Clinton could be president. What an awful, awful thing that would be. She and her adulterous husband stole millions of dollars of furniture, carpeting, art, and office equipment from the White House before they left. She’s a lesbian who had Vince Foster murdered because she was having an affair with him. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but Marcus is married to me, and he’s¬†And some people think she murdered that poor man herself. Frankly, Bill Clinton murdered teenagers with a train, so I wouldn’t put anything past these Satan-worshiping liberals.



Marcus wants to go to the convention in July. Diary, I just don’t know. On the one hand, it might be fun, staying in a penthouse suite with a good view, watching all the Sanders and Clinton supporters get beat up by Trump-supporting neo-Nazis. On the other hand, do I really want to go somewhere hot, and crowded, where I will be forced to be in the same room as sweaty, commoners like Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon? I understand Marcus wanting to protest, plus he told me there would be a lot of HOMOSEXUAL men he could save. Maybe I’ll just let him go. I can go to the lake house, or shop, or try and find a new manicurist. Oh, I could could have a garden party! I could invite Phyllis, Tony Perkins, maybe Jan Markell, definitely Steve King…oh Diary, I miss Steve so very much. I miss his laugh, the way his masculine thighs fill out his poly-blend dress slacks, I miss sitting next to him, and getting a whiff of his peppermint gum mixed with Old Spice and gun oil.

We’ll see what happens with the convention, but I am pretty sure Marcus will be going on his own. He’ll have a grand time. He always does when he can rescue the souls of HOMOS. Why, he visited Miami a few weeks ago, and came back just glowing. He shared the most heartbreaking story of a young man named Troi (that’s how he spelled it), whose parents had correctly kicked him out of their Christian home for being a HOMO. Marcus spent days with Troi, alone in a hotel suite, praying with him, reading to him from the Bible, and when it was time for Marcus to return home, he decided to bring Troi with him. Now, Troi lives in our garage apartment, does odd jobs around the house, and every night, he and Marcus go into the Cities for book club at a country bar called The Saloon. I just wish Marcus could get Troi to dress a bit more appropriately; Troi wears very short denim shorts, and tank tops made of what looks like the netting fisherman use. Oh well, baby steps!

Off to garden. Well, truth be told, I sit in a padded outdoor chair, sipping mint lemonade, and watch Jose garden. But I do point at things, so technically, I am gardening!

Love, Trailblazer Michele xoxoxoxoxo

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About Erin Nanasi 90 Articles
Erin Nanasi is a writer, mom, wife, liberal, and lover of wombats. She is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries, Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Diaries. Her interview with Bobby Seale, the co-founder of the original Black Panthers, is part of an archive collection at U. C. Berkeley. Erin hates writing about herself in the third person.
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