Jim Bakker’s About to See the Forces of Hell

Jim Bakker went on another one of his drunk on the Holy Spirit of jeezus rants, this time proclaiming to all who would dare listen that he was specifically called on by the lord himself to help get Master L’Orange elected to the presidency, because we all know gawd has nothing better to do with his time than give a shit about the elections in the United States. It is so very incredibly important, because Cheetolini stands for reading the Bible in public schools no matter what those idiots who wrote the Constitution said, and he believes in saying “Merry Christmas!” Who knew that was a religion in and of itself?

We should obviously find a way to capitalize on this and get tax exempt status. I believe in saying Happy Hanukkah, praise the almighty, with no taxes. The tax exempt church of Saying Happy Festivus is down the street.

However, according to the great messenger of the lord, because all gawd’s children got McTweety elected, the very forces of HELL are now coming after him! OMGeeeeeee! Although Bakker might be confusing hell with all the women the Pussy Grabber has screwed with.



In Bakker’s twisted, LSD-induced universe, Tiny Hands and his three marriages stands for righteousness against a generation that finds Christianity as a cramp in its lifestyle. That sounds like an understatement. I found it utterly miserable.

“This generation wants to sin, mock God, kill babies, a million of them a year, and just do anything we want. They’ve decided to change marriage, the whole definition of marriage. I’ve got news for you: It still takes a man and a woman to make a baby.”

Well, now the Merry Christmas Club has a checklist, so that should make things much easier when we form our tax exempt organization.

Bakker is convinced three-way marriages are legal in the U.K., too much LSD, so it’s only a matter of time before we can have them here, shortly followed by the ability to marry a baboon. Honestly I’m not sure if I should get me a work wife or have whatever he’s smoking. I may go for both.

At the end of his rambling diatribe, Bakker reiterated his conviction that Herr Hair will put gawd back in everything, Merry Christmas will be reinstated, and the half of America that is “God haters” will no longer be a concern. In true Trumpian fashion, he’s already fixed that problem! A Gallup Poll from 2015 shows 75% of Americans identify as Christian. Are we tired of winning (souls) yet? I’m certainly not.

Mostly I’m relieved it no longer is a concern that Satan himself is coming for His Orangeness; apparently his pro-life stance put him in grave danger just like Ronald Reagan, who is definitely the first person who comes to mind when I think about Trump. The very demons of hell were at one time after both, so it sounds like an improvement if it is just the forces of hell now. We can all breathe easier.

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About Renee Webb 322 Articles
Renee is a recovering Conservative who lives at the intersection of the Bible Belt and the Hypocrisy Highway.
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