Today is an historic day. For the first time in the history of the United States, the first orange president will be living under the same roof with his third wife son. While being photographed entering the White House today, young Barron Trump was seen wearing a shirt with two simple words on it, “The Expert.” This got us to thinking, “Just what exactly is eleven year old Barron an expert at?” After doing some research, some of the biglest and most research the Internet has to offer, we came up with the following five guesses, and we think you’ll agree, we nailed it on this one. Or at least, we told ourselves we nailed it, which in the Trump family is the exact same thing as nailing it.
Five Things Barron Trump is “The Expert” At
#1. Telling Riveting, Captivating, Completely Made-Up Stories About Who His Father Is
Would you want anyone to know Donald Trump is your father? Usually having the president as your father would entitle you to some kind of bragging rights, but in the case of the Puss Grabber in Chief, no one in their right mind would claim him as their semen donor. If Barron is an expert at anything, it’s probably coming with elaborate stories to explain who is father really is, instead of the piss-haired Putin puppet.
#2. Avoiding Hugs and Kisses From His Dad After He’s Been to Visit Half-Sister Ivanka
You probably learn very quickly when Donald Trump is your father who his favorite is. If it isn’t obvious from how he looks at her, how he talks about Ivanka will be a dead giveaway. Of course, the way he talks about her also makes everyone want to take a silkwood shower. So chances are that Barron might be an expert at adeptly avoiding skin to skin contact with his father in the first few moments after Trump’s been alone with his half-sister.
#3. Getting More Offended at Bad Jokes from D-List Comedians Than the Gigabytes of Soft Porn Mommy’s Done
Sure, Barron’s mommy’s naughty bits are pictured all over the Internet. Sure, there are photos from her modeling career that you leave you with the impression she may have just been a lesbian who couldn’t keep the darn snooping paparazzi out of her bedroom every time she got nekkid with another lady. And sure, seeing your mom’s tits, ass, and front ass on display for all of the world to see would put most of us off, but there’s no doubt that Barron was probably far more offended by Kathy Griffin’s dumb beheading photo, which is just one photo and is very obviously fake. So yeah, he’s probably the world’s leading authority on getting more offended by shitty jokes than you are by your mom’s vagina pictures…or you know, how your asshole father treats your mother and every other woman on the planet.
#4. Being Smarter Than Both His Older Half-Brothers Combined
It doesn’t take much to be smarter than Uday and Qusay Trump, Jr. The truth is that if you take a dead squirrel, wrap it bacon, throw it up on your roof for six days, and then bring that squirrel down, feed it to a dog, and then take the ensuing diarrhea that dog will have, bottle it, and give it an IQ test…it’ll be smarter than those two dumb shits. But, nevertheless, Barron is no doubt already running circles around the Beavis and Butthead of First Sons.
#5. Taking Credit for Other People’s Accomplishments While Simultaneously Avoiding Responsibility for His Own Fuck-Ups
I’m just assuming he’s like every other Trump ever, is all.