Bernie Bots and Hillary Hawks Need to Come…Together…Over Mitch McConnell

I’m sensing a lot of tension in the Democratic air these days. A lot of pent-up emotion and feeling is spilling over between the die hard fans of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, and you cut the tension with a butter knife. This tension could be used in many ways, but there seem to be two choices confronting Democratic voters — let the tension drive you apart and destroy your relationship, or let it get you so hot and bothered for progress you come together…all over Mitch McConnell.

Just think of it, Ol’ Bag Neck McConnell and his fellow Senate Republicans have just figuratively given your Obama votes a raging case of electoral blue balls. You voted blue in 2008 and 2012, knowing that if Obama won he’d get to pick the next Supreme Court Justice, even if it happened late in his second term, right? Wrong, according to Floppy Face Mitch and his cohorts.

The Senate Judiciary voted to effectively block anyone that Obama nominates to replace Justice Scalia on the high court’s bench, meaning you don’t get to complete what you started at least four, and maybe as much as eight years ago, baby!

Don’t let the Republicans electoral blue ball you! You have sitting across from you someone who believes in just about everything you do. They know the Iraq War was bullshit, and that the Bush Tax Cuts only dug a hole that was nearly impossible for Obama to climb out of. That person sitting across from you believes that LGBTQ Americans are people and corporations are not. That person that’s sitting oh-so-close to you right now may not want to vote for the same person in the primary, but you both want the same, glorious release in November — a Republican loss.


So you have to ask yourself, is a mutual release of tension worth setting aside your minor differences in a few months to come together…all over Mitch McConnell?

I know, this sounds like I’m just giving you the “lesser of two evils” speech. That’s because I am. Reality is one thing, fantasy is another, and the simple fact is that if Bernie Bots and Hillary Hawks don’t partner up and get into the sack together, the only ones coming will be Donald Trump — and whatever horrible abortion of a human being he chooses for his running mate — to the inauguration, as the guest of honor.

Don’t you want to come…together? Didn’t feel good to come…together…in 2008 and 2012? You all worked together in such glorious harmony then. You put aside the little things that made you different and focused on the big issue — not letting Republicans drive the country into the ditch again. The temptation is strong now to ditch your former electoral partner and either go it alone, or find another partner to work with. But is doing it alone ever as fun as doing it with someone you trust? Someone new might not like you nearly as much as the people you worked so well with to elect the first black president in a country where people of his race were owned as property less than 200 years ago.

You know want to come together…all over Mitch McConnell.

You want to see him look up at you, a shocked look in his eyes and on his face as the unavoidable residue of a Democratic electoral victory washes over his entire body. You want to see him covered in the viscous fluid of a demoralizing loss at the hands of an electorate that finally got fed up with his presidential clock blocking and handed his backwards party another stinging defeat. You want all that, but none of it can happen unless you agree that no matter who comes first between Hillary and Bernie, that you all will come together in November, harmoniously, and fuck the shit out of McConnell…and his election night celebration plans.

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About James Schlarmann 1465 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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