From “Hillary If I Must” To “Bernie Or Bust” And Back Again

To Bernie or Bust, or Not to Bernie Or Bust…

Sanders_ClintonI probably shouldn’t, given everything I know about myself, but I like to think that I’m someone who is reasonable, someone that can be open minded enough to make nuanced, reasoned decisions.

To vote, or not vote, for Hillary Clinton has weighed on me from the outset, and it’s something I’ve been on both sides of. In the end, I couldn’t find a real reason to until watching President Obama’s speech at the 2016 Democratic National Convention.

The president’s speech was one for the ages. It was full of the kinds of prose that he’s become known for.

It was lofty, pitch-perfect, and I imagine Hillary is quite happy with what he did for her. But none of what Obama said in his speech is what convinced me to grudgingly support Hillary, again, though he did help me make the decision.

I realized that because I voted for Obama, over his term I’ve felt entitled to rap his knuckles when I wanted. I figure that when you vote for someone, you get that privilege. It’s implicit in the deal. Since I voted for the man, I could criticize him, and people would understand I’m not a racist a-hole underneath it all.

I want that same relationship with Hillary. Because, forgive me Hillary fans, I truly believe she will disappoint we liberals more than Obama did.

I was just going to stop writing anything negative about Hillary so that I could do the old “don’t say anything at all” routine. It was my way of not helping Trump, no matter who I voted for, and it’s a big concession. The Clinton family just became our new Kennedy family. They are rife for satire.

It can wait, though.



I didn’t want to be accused of being sexist every time I write a satirical piece criticizing Hillary. I want people to understand that my misgivings about Hillary come from a genuine place of concern for her moral triangulation and cynical political calculations, and not her vagina. I also don’t want to be accused of parroting right-wing bullshit about Benghazi or Whitewater (how the hell is that still a thing?).

Voting for her takes that off the table. Well that and the fact that I’m not a conspiracy theorist or misogynist.

This decision isn’t about Bernie supporting Hillary. I don’t vote at anyone’s behest. Nor do I put so much faith into any candidate and their cult of personality as to allow such a thing.

For all my third-party friends, I’m not making this call because I think third parties aren’t viable. They are. But we need to start small and local and then we can push the ball up a hill that seems much too large at the moment.

It comes down to the walking, talking, shart in an unconvincing hair piece.

The truth about Donald Trump is we really don’t know the truth about him.

Trump_needleIs he is as crazy as we think he is? Is he just an egomaniac in way over his head? Who knows.

What I do know is that this D-List realityTV attention whore should not be the president. Otherwise I might vote for Sarah Palin. Trump is Sarah Palin with smaller tits and the same number of brain cells, and somehow fewer qualifications for the presidency than her. He might not be Hitler, but he likes making people who are down with Hitler’s ideas feel all warm in fuzzy inside.

We have to defeat Trump.

Not because of the hysterical fear mongering over him. Democrats could just as successfully block Trump as the Republicans blocked Obama. It’s Trump’s supporters that I do not want to give encouragement to. These are people who think handing the Oval Office keys to a dipshit who’s destroyed nearly every business he’s touched is good because he “tells it like it is.”

You know, my asshole tells my farts like they are, but they still smell like shit.

 

Goddamn it, I am voting for Hillary Clinton for president, yes.

Hillary_SandersI still think that we will look back on Bernie Sanders’ campaign and wish to all that was holy that we’d chosen him, but I am not voting for Clinton out of fear of Donald. It’s out of a desire to push Trump and all the slack-jawed, under-informed, proudly-ignorant and boldly xenophobic, closed-off supporters of his back into the primordial ooze they never should have been allowed to crawl out of.

We need a direct rebuke, and right now their most powerful enemies are the Democrats. If I have to grudgingly help the Dems one more time, then I will do so,  but I won’t hold my criticism of Hillary if she wins. That’s the deal I’ve made with myself to compromise my own principles, which I guess is required in some poetic way for me sympathize with Hillary enough to turn my head and vote for her.

She’s not going to get a pass from me because she got my vote. In fact, she’s going to get the opposite. I don’t trust her as much as I trusted Obama, and he ended up greatly disappointing me in some ways. What I realized this week, last night especially, is that we don’t have to trust her fully to vote for her. I know that sounds fucked-up, but that’s what voting is for. If she does a terrible job we can vote her out next time, can’t we?

Obama reminded me it’s okay to lose a little cynicism every now and then and replace it with pragmatism, hope and change aside.

Even though I’m making this choice, no one voting for someone outside the binary norms is doing anything wrong. The wrong ones are taking a ridiculous gamble an an even more ridiculous quasi-orangutan. If you’re like me and you live in a state where your contrarian vote won’t impact who wins, you should protest vote if you want to. The Dems cheated, no matter how much they equivocate about it, and they should still be held accountable for it in some way.

Only assholes try to brow beat people into voting for partisan reasons; and that’s for damn sure not why I’m doing this.

I started this journey in the “Hillary If I Must” camp, then turned to “Bernie or Bust,” and now, I’ve come full circle. I can’t blame anyone who still doesn’t vote for her. It’s not like I’m thrilled that I am, but I want my criticism of her to come from an intellectually honest place. Life is a complicated mess, but if nothing else I look forward, truly, to digging into Hillary when and if she pulls any of the shit that nearly kept me from voting for her. Satire can be useful to dissect someone’s bullshit with. Every team has got to have the guy that’s not afraid to criticize the front office.

One last thing. I’m not with her; I’m with everyone else.

President Obama reminded me of that last night.

Thanks, Obama.

http://giphy.com/gifs/obama-mic-drop-out-3o7qDLkrKr034Z3hQI


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1433 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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