Oregon Bernie Supporter Not Sure If Primary’s Still Happening Since Hillary Already Won

*satire*

ROSS PEAK, OREGON — When 35-year-old Oregonian Democratic woman Helen Maxim watched the returns from the Ohio, North Carolina, Florida, and Missouri primaries, she tells us she “became concerned” that the candidate she supports — Senator Bernie Sanders — didn’t win any of them. Helen told us that until she logged onto Facebook and read news accounts of the results, though, she assumed she’d still get to vote in her own state’s primary and make her voice heard for who she thinks her party’s nominee should be.

“I was bummed out he didn’t win at least one state last night,” Helen told us, “but I knew that there are a lot of states that could favor Bernie coming up, so I had my spirits held high regardless.” She paused and then said, “Plus, I haven’t voted in my primary yet, so I figured I’d least get to make my preference known.”

But, Ms. Maxim says when she heard various pundits on the news and read several comments from Hillary Clinton supporters in social media saying the primary was over, and Clinton had sewn up the nomination, confusion crept over her. How could the primary be over with still roughly half the states left to go, many of which look to be winnable by Sanders? She called her friends and family, but many of them were, as typical Americans, too busy watching reality-TV and eating potato chips to have an opinion and/or knowledge of how the system works.


“I had no idea that the primaries weren’t for every state to select their nominee, just the first ones,” Maxim said, “but that makes sense now. Why would we wait and let every state weigh-in, when we can just let a bunch of red states no Democrat can carry in November choose our candidate for us? I mean, so what if all us other states are part of the union too, have large populations, and should rightfully have a voice? The Hillary fans have spoken in the South, and that’s good enough for Democrats, I suppose.”

Helen says she was so confused that she wrote the Democratic National Committee to ask if they were still planning on holding the primary in Oregon, if it’s truly “all over now,” as she asked in her email. To her surprise, she got a personal reply from DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Dear Democratic Voter #3,225,120,

Thank you (Hillary) for your concern about your (Hillary) primary in your (Hillary) state. Yes, we will be (Hillary) holding it still, (Hillary) so please (Hillary), feel free to Hillary for whoever you want to Hillary! Thanks again for your Hillary to us, and we Hillary to see you in the Hillary!

Sincerely,

Hillary Wasserman Hillary

“I guess I’ll just show up at my polling place on primary day and vote if they’ll let me,” Helen told us, “and if not, I’m with her…begrudgingly.”

Comments

comments

About James Schlarmann 1463 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com