10 Reasons Bill Clinton’s Phallic Adventures Should Matter To Voters

Some folks on the left have shown quite a bit of disdain, shock, and disbelief that Donald Trump has begun to attack Hillary Clinton over her husband Bill’s sexual dalliances. They argue that it shouldn’t and doesn’t matter in regards to Hillary’s own performance as Commander-In-Chief. They argue it’s particularly galling considering that Trump is what many would rightly call a serial philanderer.  They’d say that what Bill Clinton does or doesn’t do with his Slick Willy is of no material consequence to the election.

However!

Is that really true? Is it really correct to say that Bill Clinton’s penacular exploits are immaterial to the election? Maybe. But then, here are ten reasons it’s totally relevant to discuss Bill Clinton’s junk decisions.

10 Reasons Bill Clinton’s Phallic Adventures Should Matter To Voters

#10. Can We Trust Bill’s Dick With The Nuclear Launch Codes?

So far, most of the talk about the security of America’s nuclear armament has been centered around Donald Trump holding the codes. But, what if Bill’s dick was able to slip into Hillary’s Oval Office and abscond with them? His dick has already proven it’s not wise to turn your back on it, so can we be reasonably assured that it won’t attempt a coup d’cock?

#9. What Does Bill’s Dick Know About Benghazi?

Let’s just say we give it a pass on potentially stealing the nuclear launch codes. Does that mean Bill’s penis doesn’t know about Benghazi? Or does it at least know something about THE WORST TRAGEDY IN AMERICAN HISTORY that the rest of us don’t know about? It seems awful dangerous to put Bill’s schvantz in the White House in order to find out, doesn’t it? It’s high time we drug his tally-wacker into a congressional hearing to find out just what it does or doesn’t know about Benghazi.

#8. Was Bill’s Dick An Inside Job?

Can Bill’s wanker melt steal beams? Was Bill’s wiener a false flag? We demand answers! We demand the truth! We cannot possibly allow this election to happen without knowing just how much of an inside job Bill’s wang is. America is on the brink, and Bill’s dick could be a tipping point.

#7. Is Bill’s Dick A Co-Conspirator In The Effort To Keep Hillary’s Health A Secret?

Sure, she seems to have rebounded from her pneumonia treatments with aplomb, but did Hillary really only have pneumonia? Or did she and does she suffer from AlzheimerAIDSCancerHerpes? You know who would know, don’t you? That’s right, el chorizo del Guillermo.

#6. What If Bill’s Dick Deleted Those Emails?!

Huh? What if it did, dude? WHAT IF IT DID? #SickHillary #Hitlery #PepeIsntRacistTheFuckfacesWhoSpamMeWithHimAreThough

#5. What Did Poor Vince Foster Know About Bill’s Dick?

We all know for stone cold, proven fact that Hillary Clinton has had numerous people murdered/murdered numerous people herself, despite her also obviously severely declining health. But the question on everyone’s lips is, “What about Bill’s dick? Did he know about Vince Foster’s death?” Clearly, we have yet another need for a congressional inquiry on this one.




#4. Will Hillary Try To Resign And Hand Power Over To Bill’s Dick?

This is one of the most important questions we have to answer. Is the constitution powerful enough to stop Bill Clinton’s penis from taking over for Hillary when her ovaries and other female parts suddenly render her unable to do the job like a man can? I think we know who to call…Trey Gowdy. Time for yet another congressional inquiry, naturally.

#3. Isn’t There A Constitutional Amendment About One Dick Being In The White House More Than Two Terms?

The 22nd Amendment says that no one can be elected to more than two consecutive terms in the White House. But sadly, it leaves much to be interpreted when it comes to whether or not a penis that is attached to someone who has been the president for two consecutive terms can even be in the White House ever again. We’re pretty sure the answer is, “no,” but we’re asking our lawyers just in case.

#2. Was Bill’s Peener The Second Gunman On The Grass Knoll?

Bill Clinton was 17 years old in 1963, when JFK was shot. While the so-called experts have believed for a long time the the “gunman on the grassy knoll” theory is a debunked one, we don’t recall ever seen Bill’s wang anywhere else that day. There is no archival footage of Bill in Little Rock, playing his saxophone the day President Kennedy was shot. Therefore, at the very least, we have to consider Bill’s weentacular ween-down as being a person of interest, if not an outright suspect, and likely it’s the second gunman on the grassy knoll we’ve all been told simply wasn’t there.

Time for another congressional hearing.

#1. No, Really, What DOES Bill’s Dick Know About Benghazi?

It must know something. It has to know something. Even the Republicans know something about Benghazi, even if all the facts and evidence say something else. So really, we need to get Bill’s dick into a witness chair in front of a join session of congress so we can grill it. Otherwise, we may never know the extent of how high up this thing went. Just food for thought…about Bill Clinton’s penis.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1463 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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