Oh, You Wanted Bill Clinton Impeached But Looked The Other Way On Trump’s Wiretapping Lies? Fuck You.

Hey! Hey you! Yeah you. The one who was all foamy-mouthed about Bill Clinton when he lied under oath about being the recipient of inter-office oral? I have to imagine you’re pretty peeved at President Trump right now, aren’t you?

I mean, twenty years ago you made it very clear that the office of the presidency is not a trifling thing. It’s not something you can just hold and then lie about stuff in. Not even petty, personal sexual dalliances can ever, ever be lied about.

But I bet you’re steaming mad at Donald Trump lying about Barack Obama wiretapping his residence at Trump Tower, right? You’re probably so angry you’ll demand his impeachment, right away. After all, you may have voted for him, and he may have won the election, and your party hasn’t been in the White House for awhile. But, no! You cannot possibly let this man, no matter which party he’s in, lie like this!

After all, you could actually make an argument that what Trump lied about was far worse. Trump’s lies are not only beneath the office, they seek to denigrate the previous occupant. They delegitimize the millions of votes Barack Obama got in his two victories, and it’s a direct insult to every person who voted for him. Trump, the highest officer in the country, the most powerful man in the free world, wielded his power in a personal vendetta and accused a former president of an illegal act with no proof, knowing there was not a shred of it to back his claims up.

Or did he know? Is it possible you elected a doddering old fool who sees words, and regardless of their context, draws his own, often wrong conclusions about them? No! Not at all. Don Trump is a man who answers to no one, and says whatever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants to say it! He lied, and he lied proudly, as Real American Patriots™ do.

However, I know you’re not tempted to write off Trump’s lies. After all, his lies are egregious! They actually show he is completely unsuited for such an important, powerful role. You’re an adult, not some spoiled douchebag kid who thinks just because you won an election, you should then take that to mean you can throw out all accountability for your guy. Not especially after you raked Clinton over the G-damn coals over that blowie, right? That would just be outright hypcocrisy, and only Libtarded Demonrats are capable of being hypocritical.

I bet seeing Sean Spicer’s epic meltdown over Trump’s lies on the subject were the straw that broke the camel’s back for you, huh? No rational person could see Spicer’s behavior as anything but the wild machinations of an administration trying desperately to control a narrative instead of the truth, “Our boss is a rich, lying, racist scumbag asshole who just wanted to scapegoat the darkie,” coming to the fore. I bet you’ll probably join all of us in protests of his presidency until he resigns or is impeached, huh?

I know for a fact you understand how deeply disturbing and dangerous it is for a sitting president to ignore the rule of law and cast out kingly accusations at the drop of a hat. Hell, you’ve railed against the “imperial presidency” so long, I think it’s in your platform. The rule of law is something I remember from my conservative upbringing as being one of the most supremely important things ever, so I know you won’t give Trump a pass this time, not on something so important as the stability of the republic.

The tax dollars spent to investigate his false accusations must really drive you mad, the fiscal conservatives that you are. A single dime wasted trying to feed the poor makes you irate, so millions spent checking out bogus claims for the unhinged president must really set you off! I can’t wait to see your tantrums on C-SPAN later today when they go to the Republican line!

The best part is that, of course, you know this isn’t media chicanery. Because the ranking members of both the House and Senate intelligence committees came out today and said they have no evidence to support Trump’s claims. And that’s a Republican-controlled congress you’ve got so…that means for you to reject all of this, and blindly back Trump, you’d be the exact “sheeple” — humans incapable of independent, rational thought, as the rest of us are. And that, that would be a bridge too far.

So, to conclude, I want to thank you so much for your ideological integrity. You were pissed off and righteously indignant about a personal sexual encounter, so I know you are livid about the president lying and making totally false, dangerous allegations, and I know you will condemn Donald Trump right now for it!

Wait.

What’s that?

You’re…you’re totally okay with Trump lying about this? Obama’s a secret communist Kenyan what now? You’re going to turn a blind eye to the lies and deceit because “Republican,” then?

Oh. Okay. So…

Fuck you.





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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