Bye, Felubio!

Someone grab hold of Marco Rubio and tell him to go home.

Yes, he’s still the favored pick of the GOP establishment, but apparently upper-echelon Republicans still have yet to receive the loud and clear message of four Donald Trump primary victories, three consecutively. That message is simple, which is probably why entrenched politicians can’t hear it. The message?

“Fuck your party establishment, we vote for who we want to vote for.”

As an outsider, it’s awesome to watch the hate-filled, backwards, bigotry protecting party get exposed as such by someone literally willing to say anything he needs to in Donald Trump. The result has been that he has charged-up the base that we all knew existed — scared, uber-white conservatives who are angry at the world for turning on them (by forcing them to stop calling gay people “fags” and let them you know, live their lives). And that base is going to march Donald Trump into the Republican nomination, or to an independent run that would be a crushing blow to the GOP.

This leaves people like Rubio and Ted Cruz out in the cold, and it’s time for them both to go home. Rubio has shown he’s an empty suit, rattling off the same canned and practiced lines. In the past that would work, but right now the Republican base has been programmed to hate and mistrust everyone who doesn’t openly and actively destroy the federal government every day they’re in office. Oh, they’ll be shocked and dismayed when President Donald Trump — Dog help us all — doesn’t do that either, but for right now they are riding a political revolution that the establishment cannot stop apparently.

Which means it’s time to say, “Bye, Felubio.”

He’s not running for reelection in Florida. So that means if Rubio drops out of the presidential race, we’ll just have to see him every Sunday for the rest our lives…wait. Shit. There has to be another option for Marco besides running for president or being an incessant talking head, right? Oh of course! He can take his rightful place as a lobbyist.

Okay, so as it turns out even if Marcobot is shutdown and put in mothballs, we won’t be completely rid of him. He’s young enough, he could just ride the presidential election gravy train that people like Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum have for the last three cycles. I don’t think Huck or Frothy thought they had a legitimate shot at winning any of the times they ran, but since all they have to do is suspend their campaign and just pick it back up four years later, they’ve found the best way to be a “taker” without being called “taker,” haven’t they?

The truly fascinating part is that Rubio is sort of like the Republicans’ dimwitted, half-assed attempt to get an Obama-type nominee on their ticket. They must figure he’s young and a member of a minority group and that is enough of a positive to outweigh his negatives. But how can they dog Obama for nearly a decade about not being “experienced” enough for their tastes, only to turn around and push for a guy who is pretty much at the same level of experience that Obama was?

And in the end, it doesn’t matter. The Republican base is as fractured as the party power structure. The Democrats are going through their own identity crisis too, but unlike the Republicans there aren’t quite so many smaller groups fighting for control, and unlike the Democrats, the Republican base is actually beating the establishment. Donald Trump is absolutely manhandling them, and whether he’s a plant or not probably just depends on the drugs you’re on at the time, because he is saying some truly scary and dumb stuff, and is being supported and endorsed by some of the dumbest, most racist people and his numbers aren’t dropping.

Rubio should be embarrassed that a guy that’s getting endorsements from openly racist and white supremacist people has beaten him in every single primary contest. He should let this embarrassment guide him off the presidential stage. He has time to go off and woodshed a new persona and a new shtick. The Rubio Robot isn’t going to win, not this election, and not unless Trump just gets tired of the whole game and quits, which must be the last tiny sliver of hope that Marco’s holding onto. It’s just time for us to say it, though.

Bye, Felubio.

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About James Schlarmann 1431 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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