Chris Christie Would Be President Donald Trump’s Secretary of Transportation

"We really feel like you could act like a bridge between Americans." *satire*

KINGBERRY, NEW JERSEY — Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) told a room full of Donald Trump supporters at a campaign rally and “Make Your Own Waffle” party in his home state that he would “absolutely, positively, without a doubt, because [he is] not a baby boy bitch like Marcobot Boobio” accept an offer that Trump made Christie late Sunday night.

After the governor suspended his own presidential campaign and endorsed the billionaire reality TV star’s instead, Christie told the event goers that Trump pulled him aside Friday night after the two shared a dinner together.

“He said to me, ‘Chris,” Christie told the audience, “‘you’re a friggin’ yooge winner. In fact, he said to me, you’re not just a yooge friggin’ winner, you’re a special case, you. You’re a yooooooooooooooge winner.'” Christie, as waffles were being crafted with imagination, whimsy, and sprinkles, told the Trump supporters that he was so beloved by their choice for president that he was offered a place in the new administration’s cabinet.

Governor Christie said that Trump leaned close, grabbed his Christie’s left flank “tenderly but paternally” and told him “I want you on my goddamn friggin’ cabinet, you yoooooooge motherfucker you.” Christie said he wiped a “patriotic tear” from his eye and a “tiny wet spot of patriotic man fluid” from his groin that spontaneously appeared at Trump’s offer. Then, he said, he accepted.


“I looked Donald right in his eyes, and yes I could see the fires of Mt. Doom in Mordor,” Christie told the party goers, “but I also saw a chance for me to gain something. And anyone who knows me knows that I cannot and will not pass up a chance to gain personally from anything and everything.” Christie said he would also consider taking a seat on the Supreme Court bench of Trump was so inclined, but that the reality-TV billionaire thinks the Department of Transportation is where Christie most naturally fits.

“We really feel like you could act like a bridge between Americans,” Trump reportedly told Christie, “and you have so much experience with bridges already, how could we be wrong?” Christie relayed that Trump assured him he’s “never, ever been wrong about a friggin’ thing before” in his life and that “you can take that to the bank…ruptcy court.”

Governor Christie told reporters later in the day that the invitation to sit in Trumps’ cabinet was “a sweet offer” but that he’d have endorsed Trump anyway for another, more personal reason.

“Marco Rubio,” Christie said with a grin, “he’s the establishment’s Golden Boy now. I used to be the Golden Boy. Then I made the horrible mistake of needing help for my state when Hurricane Sandy hit, and then when I showed President Obama my appreciation for his professionalism and help by embracing him, the establishment and my base decided I was a pariah and for some reason they think a neophyte with barely as much experience as Obama is better than me? Fuck that.”

Christie said he’d have endorsed “a box of rocks over Marco” and he was willing to endorse “Trump a million times over” to “give the RNC what it’s got coming to it.” He said he’d be the “best Secretary of Transportation this nation has ever seen,” and he’d start by closing down all the bridges in the country to inspect them one at a time.

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About James Schlarmann 1445 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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