I’m All For A Civil War To Block Trump, As Long As You And Your Loved Ones Are Doing The Dying

Let me make one thing clear — Liberal Americans must be willing to go to full-blown Civil War with conservatives if the Electoral College bucks 240 years of established routine and chooses not to certify Donald Trump as our next president.

Sure, we are allegedly the anti-war group, but sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette. Or in this case, you have to murder a few of your fellow Americans in the street when you’re too impatient to let a bipartisan investigation bring out the full facts as best they can be understood and gleaned. If we aren’t willing to go to Civil War over losing a presidential election, then what are we really calling ourselves Americans for?

In the great tradition of firing on Fort Sumter, we must and should be willing to take up arms against our fellow Americans. And yes, on the outset it might seem very hypocritical for the gun control crowd to make a call to arms and declare the need for what would certainly be a bloody, damnable war with insanely high casualty counts, but…umm…MIKE PENCE IS WORSE or something…

Without a doubt we could let the bipartisan investigation that Republican Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain are calling for play out. We could rely on the same obstruction Republicans used for eight years against Obama, and we could depend on the fact that even Nixon was going to be removed by his own party to assuage our fears of a runaway, unstoppable Trump presidency. But, well, I don’t like to wait! I’m as impatient as the Tea Party folks are, damnit!

So let’s have at with the Civil War!

Granted, before Trump’s election, I would have been mad at any conservative who said they should mount an armed insurrection if they lost the election. I’d be really super-duper peeved at them for saying that just because their candidate isn’t going to be president, that they should consider a full-blown war over it. But, well, MIKE PENCE IS WORSE OR SOMETHING!

I just don’t get why more liberals aren’t ready to literally die in the street over this election when we could just hunker down and fight the good fight in the courts and at the ballot box! What kind of pussies are you all? Sign up! Go, fight, die for my — er I mean — our belief that violence and death is preferable over civil discourse and disobedience if necessary.

Maybe it’s true that we’ve survived horrific presidencies before. Maybe it’s true that the Electoral College has never wholesale rejected a candidate’s victory before. And maybe it’s true that the reports from the CIA are still very preliminary and not enough has been declassified to make a judgment about, but who cares? You should be willing to load, aim at, and shoot any Trump voter who voted for Trump if they don’t want to just stand aside based on early reporting of a subject!

Look, I understand that these kinds of issues are the exact reason that impeachment was put into the Constitution. I get that it’s entirely possible to swear Trump in, conduct the investigation that McCain and Graham are calling for, and then impeach the president and even Mike Pence if there’s evidence that proves they colluded with a foreign power to subvert our elections. But that’s like, time consuming and shit, and threats of civil war are pretty much instantaneous gratification!

Oh, but hey, one thing, before I go.




You’ll be doing all the dying right? You and your loved ones? Because I’m too old to actually fight, but not too old to vote and bitch about people not willing to do things I’d never have the courage to do myself. So yeah, if you could just become super-willing to start another Civil War because I’m terrified of letting the process play out instead, that would be fantastic. Thanks so much for listening.

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1433 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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