3 Things I Thought Would Happen Before I’d Gain One Pubic Hair’s Breadth Of Respect For Darrell Issa

Darrell Issa is not my congressman, thank God, but his district buts up right against mine. Ironically enough, I used to visit a medical marijuana dispensary that was in the same industrial park as his congressional office, but I am eternally grateful that Capt. Ben Gozzi McGee is not my elected representative in the people’s House. Issa is the guy who spent millions chasing every burp, fart, and sneeze out of the Obama White House as if it were the next Watergate. Though his committees never turned up anything on Obama or his people, that didn’t stop Issa from trying to paint Obama as the most corrupt president of all time.

While there’s no doubting that donors and other political friends of Obama got some extra love in the last eight years, it’s just beyond stupid to call him the most corrupt administration ever. It conveniently forgets administrations like Warren Harding’s and Richard Nixon’s, both truly, self-evidently corrupt regimes. I never thought for one damn instant that Issa and I would see eye-to-likely arsonist’s eye about anything, and yet, last Friday on Real Time With Bill Maher, Issa somehow managed to pull himself out of the congressional primordial ooze for a minute and put his country in front of his party, calling for a fully independent Senate investigation into the connections between Russia and the Trump camp, going so far as to say that Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself.

Needless to say I felt like my soul had left my body as I watched Issa coolly and calmly agree with Maher that the connection is troubling to the point that it demands an investigation. Of course, Issa’s district went for Hillary last year and he barely escaped with his job, so that probably has everything to do with it, and not so much Issa pulling his head out of his ass for any other reason. But it got me to thinking about what I would have presumed would happen well before I gained even a shred, a modicum, a pubic hair’s breadth if you will, of respect for Darrel Issa.

…and here’s what I came up with.

#1. The Cubs Would Win A World Series

Oh. Hmm.That’s fucking weiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd. Well…anyway.

#2. Some Obvious Basic Douchebag Like Donald Trump Would Be Elected President

Watching Issa grow a pair on screen was a really surreal experience. It was almost as surreal as it would be seeing our country totally lose its mind and elect someone whose only qualification for the job is being rich, and apparently a total fuck-up in business as president. Add to it the fact that most successful thing he’s done in the last decade was a shitty reality-TV competition show, and you have yourself one weird scenario if that kinda douchebag was our president, huh?

*Flips over to Twitter tab in his browser*

Oh fuck me running.

#3. NASA Would Find A Solor System With Not Just One, But Several Planets That Might Sustain Life

People have been hoping NASA would find a single planet capable of sustaining human life somewhere out in the cosmos. But with so many billions and billions of stars out there, let’s just face it — we don’t have the technology yet to find such a planet. And it would be really insane to think there’s some solar system out there with more than one planet in the “hospitable zone” of solar orbits, right? Right? Wait. What’s that you say? TRAPPIST-what now? Oh Jeeeesus Christ.




Watch Darrell Issa on “Real Time With Bill Maher” below:


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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About James Schlarmann 1346 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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