Dear Aliens — Halp.

Dear Aliens —


If you’re out there…please…help us. You see, here on Planet Earth, we have a long and storied history of making baffling decisions as human beings. Sometimes we do stuff that really, from an outsider perspective like yours, must make us look even less evolved than we are.

A couple weeks ago, voters in the most powerful country in the history of our world handed over control of that country’s military and economy to, well, a giant, orange idiotic demagogue of a conman. And that was bad enough, but now, seeing who he’s choosing to be his “All-Star” team is enough to make me realize at this moment in time, we’re probably rife for alien invasion because it’s one thing to elect a Republican who wants to lower taxes on the rich, it’s another to elect a bonafide idiot with no bona fides for governance whatsoever.

For instance, we’re hearing all kinds of rumors that Dr. Ben “The Pyramids Were Ancient Grain Silos” Carson is being strongly considered to be President (ugh, gross) Donald Trump’s  Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Not Health and Human Services, which would make at least a little sense. But Housing and Urban Development? What in his deficient mind made him think Carson was right for Housing and Urban — oh wait. I get it. Urban. That’s what Republicans call black people when they’re implying they all live in squalor and poverty because of “urban Democrat” policies.

So, okay, you know what, Alien Overlords, I guess I should at least be grateful that Carson grew up in poverty (he claims) and so maybe he has some connection to what it’s like to live among the working people. Maybe he’ll do alright. I don’t know. At least Trump isn’t putting someone in a position of great responsibility to our international allies who doesn’t have any experience in international politics or relations, right? And least if he did, it wouldn’t be someone who originally didn’t endorse him, then ultimately did endorse him tepidly in a cynical political ploy, aimed at probably getting some kind of important job with the new administration, right?


Well…at least he hasn’t offered up the job of the nation’s top prosecutor to a right-wing nutjob who was considered too racist in 1986 to be given a judge’s bench in the federal circuits, right, our soon to be Alien masters?

Jeff Sessions: Trump’s attorney general pick accused of racial slur in 1981

Donald Trump’s nominee for US attorney general was once accused of calling a black official in Alabama a “nigger”, and then gave a false explanation to the US Senate when testifying about the allegation.


Fine okay, so the Orange Vomit Vestibule wants Capt. Racist McWrinkly Taint to be his Attorney General. That’s fucking crazy, that he’d be too racist for a plain ol’ federal judgeship in the 80’s, but you know, fast forward 30 years and now he’s going to be deciding who to prosecute, and at a time when we’re trying so hard to dismantle the War on Drugs so that people of color stop having their lives utterly ruined over it…but I mean, it’s not like he’s hired a guy who thinks torturing prisoners of war is cool and who totally supports violating the spirit of the First Amendment by keeping any Muslim immigrants from entering the country, am I right?

Trump’s Anti-Muslim National Security Adviser Michael Flynn — A Fox Favorite — Is Rife With Conflicts Of Interest

President-elect Donald Trump has reportedly named retired Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as his national security adviser.

Well slap my tits and call me Slap Tits. This is going over like a fart in an elevator, isn’t it, Alien Masters? Still, though, it’s not like he’s asking a woman who is pro-school vouchers — and therefore anti-public school and the education it provides — to be in charge of the education department. That’d be really stupid.

Betsy DeVos picked for education secretary

Trump met with the billionaire donor this weekend at his golf club in New Jersey, where he hosted a slew of potential cabinet appointees. Trump offered DeVos the position on Tuesday and she accepted the same day, one of the officials said.

Okay, so he’s stupid. We all knew he’s stupid. It still doesn’t mean, I guess, that we’re headed for truly dark and heady times. It’s not like there are actual white supremacists throwing up Nazi hand salutes at a political conference in Washington, D.C. right? And it’s not like those guys are throwing up the Nazi salute after being fed literal Nazi propaganda about the press and shouting, “Hail Trump” or anything so seriously lame.

Alright this is getting flat-out redicustupidumblame. But at least, at the very, very least, the Orange Carbuncle On The Ass Of Humanity isn’t trying to give an actual, unabashed white supremacist and antisemite a high-level job as his chief strategist. At least we have that. No white supremacists in the White House, thank Goddesses.

Analysis: Breitbart’s Steve Bannon leads the ‘alt right’ to the White House

For the last six months, Republican leaders walked a careful line supporting Donald Trump. They supported his campaign and loved his running mate, Mike Pence, but they didn’t agree with his positions on banning Muslims or mass deportations, or with the far-right figures who backed them.


Some may ask me, “Who’d have thought we could all do worse than Bush and Cheney?”

The Aliens. That’s who. That’s why we’re asking you for help remember?

Send help now, please. Even if that “help” means an alien invasion, I’m okay with it. Surely enslavement to an alien race would be preferable to four years, or four days, of the biggest bumblefuck in history’s comically dangerous and stupid administration. At least that’s the risk I’m willing to take, and I bet there are a lot of people who agree with me. Many people, to borrow an overwrought phrase.

Help us Aliens, you’re our only hope…to save us from the Great White Dope.


Earthling Jambo

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



About James Schlarmann 1480 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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