Dear Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick: You’re Not Good At That “Being Christian Thing.” Also, Fuck You.

Dear Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick:

So, this is how a Christian responds to a horrible tragedy like what happened in Orlando, Danny? This is what Jesus Christ would have wanted you to use your influence for? To put out this snide, finger-wagging tweet that effectively renders all 50 dead and more wounded as meaningless in your eyes?

PatricTweet

 

Yeah, you’re not good at this whole “Being Christian” thing, Danny boy.

Boy would I love to wish horrible, horrible things on you. I would love to curse you and wish for you to have some horrible fate to befall you. After all, if you “reap what you sew,” as you tweeted with all the nuance and subtlety of a Mack drick driving over my balls, then you sir deserve to be cursed by every single one of the fifty victims’ families — some of whom I am almost certain hadn’t even been identified before you uncorked your little judgmental tweet.

But I won’t do that. I won’t match your hate with my own. Why?

Because unlike you, this atheist is more Christian than you’ll ever be. I understand the meaning of the word “grace,” which you so clearly are lacking. Well, grace and about five hundred other character traits that make you human. You might be a person, but this tweet proves once and for all there is nothing remotely “human” inside of you. You’re a wellspring of hate, and you have no fucking clue on this earth how your lord and savior would respond to this…but I do. And believe me, once the shock and anger over this latest uniquely American tragedy wears off, my satirical musings will allow us to see exactly how Jesus and his daddy feel about your callous ass.

What I’m going to do now, though, might shock you and everyone else reading this. Because I am going to practice what Christianity is supposed to look like, as you clearly were not ever instructed in this subject properly. So if a former-Christian atheist has to lead by example, you mean asshole, then so be it.

I forgive you, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick.

I forgive you out of Christian charity and grace. I know that we all sin and fall short of the Glory of God. And I know that your cruel, insensitive tweet came from a place of misguided championing of Christianity. I know that you clearly were never shown the real example of real Christian love. Agape love, Mr. Patrick. You are supposed to love everyone, even and especially the sinners, with all your heart. And so, I will show you Christian love and grace, right now, for your casually sneering and condescending use of scripture to hamfistedly bash gay people, and again:


You are everything that is wrong with this country, and that is dangerous about having a society so accepting of religious freedom. We can’t make religion illegal in this country, that’s a gross overstep and overreaction. But you, sir, are a very good case in point why you should have to take a licensing test to exercise your First Amendment rights because you clearly have no idea how to use them responsibly.

Your Christian faith has failed you, if you think that not even waiting until all the victims’ families had been notified to step up onto your high horse is acceptable. If you don’t think Christ himself wouldn’t wind-up a holy haymaker and knock you off that perch, you have no idea who the man allegedly was.

I feel sorry for you and your family Dan. You must live in such terror, such fright of people just living their lives like we all do that it makes you paranoid and delusional. You have to be delusional to think that people who aren’t just as confused and dogmatic as you are would read your use of that verse and not be extremely angry at you.

The irony of course is that it’s you that will reap the hate of the civilized world. And you sewed the shit out of it, Danny. You made your homophobic bed, and now I can’t wait to watch you lie in it, taking insult after insult. Because you deserve them.

I forgive you, Lt. Gov Dan Patrick. But then again, and also…

Fuck you.

Seriously.

Welly and truly — fuck you.

 

About James Schlarmann 1228 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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