Dear The FCC: Stop Being a Bunch of Humorless Cock Holsters, Would Ya?

If ever there was a government institution that almost convinces me our crazy conservative relatives have it right with that whole “Gubmint Is Da Devil” thing they got going on, it’s the FC-Motherucking-C. Fuck the FCC.

Let me reiterate: Fuck. The. Motherfucking. FCC.

The Federal Communications Commission is almost never cool. It’s almost never on the side of the First Amendment and freedom of expression. But holy cock nuts when it’s run by a Republican administration? It’s like all the crusty old shit-lippers from the town in Footloose got a job at the FCC. And going after Colbert for calling Trump a “cock holster” is the pluperfect window into their puritanical obsession with fascism by way of soft-censorship and fines. So now, a missive to those lovable fuckwibblers, The Fucking FC-Shit Smearing-C.

Hey The FCC —

Contrary to popular Republican belief, it’s 2017. And even though admittedly the term “cock holster” is not one you’d expect to be uttered in elementary schools, the fact remains that Stephen Colbert’s show is broadcast during the time when you have — up to this point — given a far wider birth to profanity and so-called obscenities. Colbert didn’t go on “Sesame Street” or “CBS This Morning” to call Trump a piece of shit and use the beautiful “cock holster” phrase; he did it on his show, which airs after kids are supposed to be in bed at 11:30pm.

Colbert also took the expected steps of bleeping the vulgarities. Yes, it was very apparent to anyone watching what he was saying, but so fucking what? He played by your bullshit puritanical rules and defended the easily offended’s virgin ears from the unforgivable sin of a swear word or six…or seven…or however many Mr. Colbert used in his monologue. It would seem to me that anyone complaining about his joke is doing so out of an overabundance of concern for their own sensitivities, and not out of any concern for any children watching, because they wouldn’t have actually heard the offensive words if they had been up way past their bedtimes that night.

I understand that you guys have to investigate the complaints you get. But, I mean, do you? Can’t you be empowered with a little common sense? Can not one single adult respond to the complaints about Colbert’s monologue and jokes with a professional way of saying, “Get over it and change the channel, you overly-sensitive nincompoop?” I’m not saying I should be in charge of writing the letter; I’m just saying that at some point we have to stop giving dumb shits permission to ruin humor.




Here’s the truth, whether anyone at the FCC will admit it or not — investigating Colbert’s joke beyond anything like, “Let’s see here, did Colbert call Trump a ‘cock holster’? Yyyyuuppp, he sure did. Okay, cool,” is a political witch hunt. The only reason that Trump even cares is that he was the butt of the joke. But when it’s making fun of anyone else that’s on the menu, Trump gleefully participates.

And really, speaking of the Dipshit in Chief, can we talk about how you guys are all gung ho to probe Colbert’s monologue, but you didn’t do anything, literally anything, about the Access Hollywood pussy grabbing tapes? I’m actually not saying you should have, I’m just pointing out the glaring, inescapable double-standard on display here.

Comedians taking down elected officials a peg or sixteen is a time-honored, constitutionally protected practice. Colbert didn’t blast out his swears un-bleeped. He didn’t go on TV during prime time and call Trump a cock holster. He did it under all the necessary (though, really in a secular country they’re unnecessary) guidelines and rules for broadcasting content. This is such an open and shut case that, again, it’s a bigger sin that you’re even taking any investigation up about it at all.

Go do something productive with your time, FCC. Go actually protect us from Internet service providers deciding for us which content is worthy to be seen and when. Go stop media conglomerates from swallowing up every ounce of bandwidth, killing competing views and information. But whatever you do — leave Stephen Colbert the motherfuck alone, you dipshits.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1408 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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