Dear Newt Gingrich: No. We Won’t Be Giving Out Muslim Tests. And Fuck You For Suggesting It.

Dear Newt Gingrich,

No. We won’t be giving out Muslim tests. And fuck you for suggesting it.

We gotta toss that First Amendment right out off the side, and just go full-inquisition right Newt?

You said that “western civilization is in a war.” If that’s even true, we’re mostly at a war with ourselves. ISIS sprung up in the vacuum that we created by destabilizing Iraq, and since Saddam Hussein was a dictator of our making…Can you see how utterly stupid it is to insist we’re at war with people who we helped make our enemies? Of course you don’t, you’re Newt “Presidential Blowjob Crusade” Gingrich.

You’re dumb.

You want to know how I know you’re dumb? When you say this shit, that’s how.

“We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported. Sharia is incompatible with western civilization.” (source)

Firstly, you fascist cream puff you, do you know who else used to round people up based on their religious beliefs? Nazis.

Yeah, I know, “muh Godwin’s Law,” but in some instances, like when you literally suggest something Nazis routinely did, the comparison is apt, and it sticks. I knew that you didn’t have a grasp of how the Constitution works when you tried to impeach Bill Clinton over oral sex, and now it’s been confirmed by the fact that you have no idea what the First Amendment does or protects.

Your comments so galling in their stupidity because you think there’s a difference between Sharia Law and the stuff red states have been passing to curb the rights of the LGBT community or abortion access. Maybe “religious freedom” laws in this country don’t carry death sentences, but what’s the difference between being made a second class citizen thanks to Islamic law or being made subhuman by laws based solely Christian values? It’s all the same, Newt, and our First Amendment was literally written to stop idiots like you from doing stupid shit like this.

Victimizing the innocent for the actions of the guilty is un-American, and if done on the basis of religion it is unequivocally unconstitutional.

What do you do if people tell you they’re not Muslim and you insist they are? Are they going to have to swallow sodium pentathol? At what point does it become painfully obvious to you, Mr. Gingrich, that all you’ve done is to suggest America start its own inquisition?

I forgot.

You’re a conservative Republican. You don’t have to ever, ever own your mistakes. Because contrition is for pussies, and we do everything with our good, ol’ American hearts beating for freedom…unless you’re black, or a woman, or Chinese, or Irish, or LGBT, or now apparently Muslim.

What kind of Minority Report bullshit do you want to turn our country’s police and military forces into?

The very idea of presumed innocence — that we’re all innocent until proven guilty — is the cornerstone our alleged justice system is built on. But here you come, Newt my boy, telling us we need to take equal parts Hitler and Joe McCarthy, and synthesize them into a toxic cocktail of bigotry, ignorance, and nationalist outrage.

I’m not black, but I will speak out on behalf of their lives mattering. I’m not a woman, but I will champion their cause of true equality. I’m not LGBT but I will march with them in solidarity for their cause of liberty. And I am not Muslim, but I will not be someone who lets poisonous vipers like Newt Gingrich demonize an entire subset of our population, just because they’re the right’s current scapegoats.

Maybe this was your audition for Trump’s VP slot. After all, he hasn’t officially named Mike Pence as his running mate, so maybe if you can show Donald and all his slack-jawed simpleton backers that you too are a backwards, bigoted, ignorant old white fool like Trump is, you’ll be his pick instead. How gross of you.

Gross, but not surprising.

Everything about you is gross. Your hypocrisy over sexual behavior while in office. Your devotion to neoconservative war mongering while decrying the violence of Muslim terrorists we help create. And now this, full-blown Nazism with a healthy dose of McCarthyism to finish us off.

Americans, thankfully, reject this bullshit…eventually.

Maybe the Red Scare dragged on too long. Maybe the Iraq War should never have happened, and maybe we should have ended slavery and given women the vote from the start. It took time, but we ultimately came back around to the right way of doing things, and I have to think Newt’s proposed crusade will go down in history as one of those similar ideas.


No, Newt. We won’t be giving out Muslim tests. And fuck you for suggesting it.




About James Schlarmann 1479 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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