Dear President Trump: I Didn’t Vote For You. But You’re Still MY Bitch Now. Buckle Up.

Dear Least-Popularly Elected of All Time President Trump,

In your speech today you talked about a need to “heal our divisions.” I’m curious when it is, exactly, you’ll start to do that. Is it after you get back from taking your very first weekend in office off?

Because you could be accused of many things — from being a sexual predator to a tax dodging, out of touch racist fuckface — but being someone who can reunite and heal people ain’t one of them. Just since you were elected your Twitter feed has been a cavalcade of whining and attacks on people who have criticized you, and I think nobody must’ve told you that what comes with the job of “President” is the duty and obligation to take criticism.

You’re my bitch now.

You’re my employee, and you’re the employee of all 75 million people who voted against you. Just so you remember, that’s about 13 million more than voted for you. Those protests going on around your big day? They actually represent the will of the people. You got in on a technicality you immature, tiny-handed cretin, and we will never forget that. If you and your sycophantic lapdogs are going to insist I “get over it” and “accept” the reality of you being president, then you have to accept what comes with that — four long years of getting the piss taken out of you.

Given who you are, I know that has to upset you, since you usually like to have more piss in your life than less.

But that’s how it works, Mr. President. I get to say whatever the fuck I want to about you for the next four years. The difference between me and someone who voted for you over the last eight years with your much classier, much more highly qualified, more intelligent predecessor, you ask? I’m going to base my insults on your actions, not on what gets reported as your actions by talking heads on Fox News.

For eight long years I watched Obama’s opposition get shriller and shriller over what were lies, assumptions, and propaganda. I’d call it “fake news” but that term is meaningless now, thanks to you. It’s one of many things you’re going to render worthless the next four years.

I watched you push the Birther myth for years. Now, you’re the racist in chief. Congrats on that. But if you think you’ve earned yourself a respite, you need to bend Dubya’s ear while he’s in town. Because if we were hard on him, you have no idea how hard we’re going to be on a reality-TV moron who is all smoke and mirrors.

I was never one of those liberals who got mad at conservatives for criticizing Obama. I was mad when they’d just call everything he did “un-American” and “socialist.” I was mad when they kept peddling racist rumors — thanks in large part to your dopey ass keeping birtherism going. I was mad when they’d make up shit to criticize Obama for instead of focusing on the real shit that all of us agree he should’ve done better.

But all of that is in the past now, President Piss Party.

The Obama years are gone, and now we’re going to dive headlong into the garbage chute that will be your presidency.I can promise you that you will know you’re my bitch. You will know that you are the most disrespected and reviled man to ever occupy that office. You will know daily, from me and hopefully millions more like me, that you are a naked emperor, and you are dangerously ill-equipped for this job.

It’s my right, duty, and honor to be an annoying pissant to you, President Trump. I’m not sold on your bullshit bill of goods. You can’t and won’t bring back manufacturing jobs to the rust belt. You can’t and won’t get Mexico to pay for your idiotic wall. Everything you are telling your followers you can do, unless it’s “Being a rapey, small-handed dick head,” is a total falsehood…bullshit of the Nth degree.

Republicans have spent nearly a decade pretending that Obama was a divisive leader because he didn’t placate them. He didn’t say the words “Islamic terrorism” and all of  sudden he’s weak and hates America. He dared to speak out about Trayvon Martin’s senseless death and he was labeled a race baiter by Republicans. But someone who calls their opponents “haters” and his “enemies” begging for unity is farcical.

Well, now we get to turn it all back on you and your ilk, except you know, base it all in truth.

You and I both know you didn’t want this job. You wanted attention. You wanted fame. You got all that, but you just got handed a job you know you cannot possibly do, and it shows in your words and on your face. No one would blame you if you found a time to just give up and resign. You’re a pathetic tool, dude, and ultimately people all over the country would be relieved if you backed out of this mess in a couple weeks.

Or don’t.

I will never accept your authority, President Trump. I can accept the legitimacy of your presidency without giving it a soupcon of respect. Yes, you are my president now. You’re a public servant. You are to serve not just the states that elected you, but all 50. If you don’t, then oh boy do I look forward to the day when everyone will look at you and say, “You’re fired.”

The bottom line? I’m loud. I’m angry, and I’m not going anywhere. Unfortunately for you, I also know how freedom of speech works, and that since I embrace you as my president, it’s my Constitutionally-protected privilege to rip you from pillar to post. Buckle up, President Trump, you are the most hated man to ever take the oath of office, and I intend to help you feel that hate every single day until you leave office.



Thanks For Having Someone Read This To You And I’ll Try To Get More Pictures In Next Time,

Jambo


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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