Dear Trumpers: You Got Played Like The Rubes You Are, And You’re Going To Bring Us All Down With You

Dear Trumpers,

This is going to be a very consistent theme throughout Trump’s tenure, but it will bear repeating over and over — you got played…really badly. You got played so badly I bet in four years the number of people who admit to voting for him goes way down. Before he’s even taken office he’s started playing you like rubes, suckers, and it’s only going to get more LOL-tastic from here if you keep making excuses for him.

“Drain The Swamp,” eh?

He’s not draining the swamp. He’s hooked a sewage line from it up to the White House and he’s dumping that shit straight into his cabinet. Remember how he insulted Hillary Clinton for her ties to Goldman Sachs? How many Goldman Sachs executives does he have to put on his team for you to feel extra stupid about that?

He suckered you all in by using buzzwords like “elitists” and who does he start filling his cabinet up with? Rich, entitled, elitists.

Suckers.

If you thought Donald Fucking Trump was going to deliver you from the swamp, you are looking extra gullible right now, aren’t you? Even his pick of Ben Carson smacks of the kind of backscratching, incestuous deal making between members of the ruling class I bet you all thought you were voting to put a stop to, huh?

What’s Ben going to do? Brain surgery on an apartment complex? Nope. He’s going to collect a nice, big paycheck from the taxpayers and fuck everything up he touches. You know, like Swamp Creatures tend to do when they’re given way too much power and responsibility.

From Russia With Derp

You know what I find extra awesome about you guys? You’re so deathly afraid of even the words “socialism” or “communism” that your rhetoric still is largely based in the Cold War era. During the 2012 election your candidate was warning us that President Obama wasn’t taking the threat of Russia seriously enough. Now…?

Now you rubes just a got a huge alley-oop from Vladimir Putin and you’re all like, “What? What’s your point? All Russia did was expose the truth, man!” And you know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe all Putin did was help facilitate truthful information about Hillary Clinton and the Democrats to come out. But have you guys stopped and thought about why Vlad would be pulling Trump’s apple cart for him?

What kind of quid pro quo is Putin expecting? I’m in favor of all the inquiries into Russia’s endeavors playing out before we make any conclusions. I’m not saying I believe that the Kremlin literally stole the election from Hillary for Donald. But the CIA’s report is pretty damaging on its face, isn’t it? And again I have to wonder how stupid you all might feel right now, being paranoid about Russia right up to the point that we get pretty concrete evidence they were sticking their dicks in our electoral mashed potatoes.

Even with the assistance of one of the most powerful countries on the planet, you still couldn’t muster enough votes from real people to win the popular vote, and your guy is a tin horn fuckwit with no mandate. Was it worth it?

Your Hollywood Elitist Executive Producer In Chief

You guys hate Hollywood, don’t you?

So I guess it’s a great thing that your president is staying on as a big time Hollywood executive producer right? That shitty reality competition show just couldn’t soldier on without him, after all. What I want to know is how you think that compares with our current president going on a few golf outings during his tenure. I know you all conveniently forgot that George W. Bush practically lived on his Crawford, Texas ranch half his presidency, but really, how do you feel about a guy taking the presidency so un-seriously that he remains on in any other job in any capacity?

You: “Lock Her Up!” Trump: Well, Actually…

I am sure you’re going to want to tear up your law degree from Trump University when you read this next part. Remember all that nonsense about hiring a special prosecutor to take Hillary down? Remember how you guys kept chanting “Lock Her Up” with ever increasing amounts of spittle flying from your angry, foamy mouths?

Well, just yesterday your Conman in Chief put cold water on that promise permanently. As reported by The Huffington Post, Trump told a crowd on his “S My D” victory tour that all that stuff was just pre-election political theater. Sad.

“No, it’s okay,” Trump said as the crowd jeered a reference to Clinton. “Forget it. That plays great before the election. Now, we don’t care, right?” (source)

You’ve Already Lost The Culture War, and Obamacare May Survive Too

I know, all of this irrelevant because you guys won, and now you’re going to get to re-tip the Supreme Court in your favor and we’ll overturn Roe vs. Wade, gut Obamacare and you’ll finally win the culture war, right? Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

If you think Trump’s just going to be able to cut 20 million people out of healthcare insurance, you’re buying something you probably shouldn’t. He’ll break that promise like he’s broken so many others already.

Since Roe v. Wade, you’ve won a few presidential elections, and you held a conservative majority in the high court for much of that time too. You haven’t managed to take that landmark ruling down. You’ve done your best in the states to do death by a thousand paper cuts, but if you think Trump is your guy for pushing a hard-right evangelical moral crusader line…you’re even bigger suckers than I’d thought.

Think you’re going to get gay marriage repealed? Good luck. And let’s be really, really real about the Supreme Court, shall we?

The Democrats aren’t all that great or smart these days. But one thing they do have is the power of the filibuster. That power is never any greater than it is when it comes to confirming Supreme Court nominees. If you think you’re getting another Scalia type in there, I have a bridge over Trump Lake to sell you.

You Marks Are Going To Take Us All Down With You

Of course, I shouldn’t be that smug. You’re going to take us all down with you; you always do. The Iraq War. The Bush Tax Cuts. Trickle Down Economics. All of these things were foisted on us after Republicans took control of the White House, and all of them made messes liberals had to clean up.



I can almost promise you that we’ll go to war again. I can almost promise you the modest gains the economy has made under Obama will be wiped out when taxes are slashed and burned. And I can almost promise you our infrastructure will take a drubbing and fall even further behind as a result.

So, hey, thanks for dragging us all to hell with you. And all because you were angry that the immigrants took your jobs (even though they were probably just exported to the third world), you didn’t want to respect LGBTQ+ people, and you hated all that liberal safe space stuff you keep getting told about by people in your safe spaces — Breitbart and Fox News.

Thanks to you rubes, we’re all in this together. So I’m genuinely hoping the rest of us can act as counterweights and keep the boat we’re in together afloat. I’m not that great a swimmer.

Here’s to four years of dodging iceberg after iceberg, Trumpers. You built this. Time to own it.

Yours Truly,

Jambo


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1084 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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